I’m certain I’m being followed. Every time I turn around I see someone in the shadows. I called the cops, but they refused to even check it out. Hey, just because they’re my dogs doesn’t mean it doesn’t freak me out. Don’t get me wrong, I love our dogs. It’s just that I can’t begin … More They’re Tracking Me!!!!!
I am absolutely certain that my dogs can understand English perfectly and are using their clever ‘doggy’ language to plot the overthrow of our household government. They want more meat content in their Iams. I need to let Heather, our leader, know at once! I don’t think they’ve thought this through. First of all, they’re … More Do They Really Think They Can Get Away With It???
Due to my tweet about shooting my neighbor yesterday, the city is demanding that I step down from being caretaker of my two toy schnauzers. The dogs have no opposable thumbs and one only has six teeth. What are they going to do, bark someone to death? I think I’m going to close my Twitter … More I’m Not Going To Resign!!!
Yesterday I took out the trash without being asked. I know! The bag broke, I slipped on a banana peel and knocked over the gas can. My keys fell out creating a spark and burned the house to the ground. Guys, be strong. Taking out the trash is very risky and you must protect your … More Honestly??? The Place Got Trashed???
Heather and I approved a bill that will keep our house running for three more months. That was close! I had to agree to relinquish the remote control and stop telling dumb jokes (AKA my act) while she will do nothing different. I’m the first to admit that Heather runs the marriage, although she doesn’t … More We Can’t Afford It!!!!
Yesterday the TV cable guy refused to come in the house until I put my two ferocious Toy Schnauzers in another room. Seriously, cable dude? What’s next? He won’t go in the next house because there’s a blood thirsty Yorkie? Wuss. It gets worse. Neither dog bites but one barks at strangers. She’s a rescue … More The Cable Guy Did What???
My dogs have no manners. They eat like animals! I love having dogs as pets. Some people say I’m a dog lover, which sounds gross to me. There are laws against cooking dogs. If your thoughts went a different direction, shame on you . They really have become an integral part of the family in … More Mind Your Manners!!!
I’m a happy go lucky kind of guy and people often ask me, Jerry, don’t you have any concerns? Of course I do, just like everyone else. Like I’m concerned that a hoard of Brazilian bull frogs with zip guns will attack me at dawn. It’s not impossible and therefore I’m concerned. I’m concerned that … More I’m Deeply Troubled!!!