My house doesn’t have a/c. I didn’t think I could afford a system last year so I bought 34 tubs and kept them filed with dry ice and water with a fan behind each. It was cool but very foggy and I kept running into things. I finally broke my leg. I spent $175,000 that … More I Can’t See Through The Fog!!!
I was talking to a friend this past week. My friend ran to his dad and told him the car wouldn’t start. “What’s wrong with it, son”? Said his dad. My friend said that there was water in the carburetor. he said,”You don’t even know what a carburetor is!”. “I know, but I’m pretty sure … More Because I Said So!!!
When my wife was pregnant with our daughter, Sarah, she wanted the birth to take place in a warm tranquil environment with soft music, soft lighting and a hot tub. We looked at the place and I asked, “Uh, isn’t this what got us into this in the first place?” That really did happen. She … More Not Again!!!
I always tried to be funny in school. In history, I was taking a test. I had the answers on the palm of my hand. Bob Gress stood beside me and asked, “Is there something interesting on your hand?” I said “No its actually pretty boring.” The principal and I had a nice chat. I … More What??? I Flunked???
My young daughter came from school with a note that read “Sarah is an exceptional student but she talks too much. I’m going to start a new technique tomorrow.” I wrote back, “Please let me know if it works. I want to try it on her mother.” Guys, I think most of us have selective … More Shut Up!!!
I was preparing tuna for sandwiches and had just finished chopping the last ingredient when Sarah, my daughter said, “Daddy, I’ve noticed that the older you get, the more stuff you put in your tuna fish.” She was spot on. I don’t know why it happens, but I think most of us cross the ‘add … More Throw It All In!!!
I remember when Dick Chaney went hunting with a friend…. His friend collapsed, so Chaney called 911 and said he thought his friend was dead. The operator said, “First, let’s make sure he’s dead”. There’s a silence, then a shot. Chaney got back on the phone and said, “Okay, now what”? I think there … More Inauguration Day!! Keep Dick Chaney Away!!
My friend Val was going to be married. His fiancée’s father decided to talk to him. “So,” said the father, “you want to be my son-in-law”? Val said, “Not really, but if I want to marry your daughter I really don’t have a choice”. Really great first impression. As a comedian, I love saying things … More I Thought It Was Funny!!!
I’m not saying you’re old, I’m just saying that if you were a carton of milk, I’d sniff you before I put you in my coffee. Today is my wonderful daughter, Sarah’s birthday. I’m very happy she’s having Birthday and will be treated like a queen today, it’s just that she’s 37 today and that … More Happy Birthday! You’re Old!
When my kids were little, my daughter Sarah had a bad stomach ache. I took her to the doctor and during the examination the doctor asked her what bothered her the most. She said, “My little brother Eric keeps pulling my hair”! My kids have always been funny. Obviously, Sarah wasn’t trying to be funny. … More My Kids Are Crazy!!!