When I was a kid I told a cop that I had run away from home and now I can’t find my parents. Can you help me? I’d love to, said the cop but there’s just too many places for them to hide.  ~Rodney Dangerfield I only ran away from home one time. We … More I’m out of here!!!
I got into an altercation with an extremely obnoxious man who refused to move away from me, despite repeat requests to do so. I even punched the guy. In jail, my lawyer explained that my behavior was way out of line on a plane. Some people are far too honest. You know them. Proud to … More I’m Better Than You!!!!
I just returned from the hospital where they performed a brain scan. They found nothing. (Rim shot) I told the neurologist that I’m really dizzy for about a half hour when I get out of bed. She seriously told me I should wake up a half hour later. Anybody know a good neurologist? She laughed … More Don’t Do That!!!
They say laughter is the best medicine. I don’t think so. I think it’s morphine. I have had many surgeries, and the last thing you want to do is laugh. It doesn’t make things better, it hurts! My younger brother Fred is a very funny guy. We’ve always made each other laugh. He called my … More Give Me Morphine!!!
Golf is a great sport, unless you die playing it. Then it’s a bummer. … More Killer Golf!
I got into an altercation with an extremely obnoxious man who refused to move away from me, despite repeat requests to move away. I even punched the guy. In jail, my lawyer explained that my behavior was way out of line on a plane. … More Maniacs!
Don’t make me angry, The voices in my head don’t like it when you make me angry. … More Blood and Guts
Whenever I see hash tags, it makes me hungry for breakfast at Dennys. … More Hash Tags and Eggs!
I think it would be funny if one of the networks hired a group of gregarious psychics and do a show called “The Tomorrow Show. … More The Tonight Show!
In Vancouver, BC, someone invented and now serves marijuana pizza. Brilliant! Satisfy your habit and the munchies at the same time! … More Marijuana Pizza!
