Last night Heather said, “I think we’re a good couple.” I told her that I do too, then asked her what prompted to say that. “She said, I was thinking about stabbing you a couple of days ago but decided not to.” Yikes! Is this what it’s come down to? They should just go ahead … More I Love You For So Much For Allowing Me To Live!!
It’s so hot, I just heard a circus fire eater say, “Come on! Now everyone is doing it!” I think our founding fathers should have had more compassion and put off Independence Day until October. This is crazy! People are sitting outside in sweltering heat (I’m not sure how hot it needs to be to … More It’s So Hot…
Yesterday, my neighbor said that we were in the “Dog days of summer”, so I bit him on the ankle and peed on his leg. Originally, the phrase actually had nothing to do with dogs, or even with the lazy days of summer. Instead, it turns out, the dog days refer to the dog star, … More He Bit Me!!!
When I was young, I learned that George Washington had wooden teeth and that he was so honest that he admitted to chopping down his father’s prized cherry tree. It turns out neither is true. I know! I’m shocked too! It was the first White House scandal. James Comey is now investigating. According to mountvernon.org, … More Lies From the Whitehouse
Kim Jung Un, who’s name obviously makes him the offspring of Kanye and Kim, always looks hungry. Send Dennis Rodman to give him a hot dog and a soda laced with antifreeze. Done and done. In fact, he’ll probably ask for more. If anyone deserves the death penalty, it’s this jerk. He has allowed at … More North Korea? I have the Answer!!
Yesterday, I was in an Apple store when it was robbed. Police talked to me for quite a while because I was an iWitness. … More Eye Witness!
I think if I were a winter Olympian this year, I would learn to speak Russian, dress in warm, local clothes, a fur hat and carry a bottle of vodka. … More Olympic Threat!