This is what I call myself every time I pour a cup of coffee and try to carry it over to the couch to enjoy it. If I try to take a full cup with the way I shake it never gets there. It’s spills all over everything. So I always take a half a … More I Said Only A Half A Cup, Moron!!!!
I had a few buddies over to watch round one of the NFL draft. Three of the guys hated their favorite teams picks. Ron said “I hate the Raider’s executives. They never get it right!” Dennis echoed the same for his team. Todd said, “I blame my parents. All they had to do was move … More I Feel A Draft!! Now I Have To Put Pants On!!!
I wonder if people in prison celebrate Independence Day. I think the whole incarceration thing would probably squash the enthusiasm for celebrating the thankfulness for freedom. Maybe they could get red white and blue Jell-O instead of the horrid fruit cup. I’m really not trying to make light of the inmates conditions or the fact … More Independence Day? Are You Nuts???
Some practical jokes can get out of hand. I started yelling set up lines at my neighbor. Then about an hour later I’d yell the punch line. He laughed every time. The last time, though, he didn’t laugh so I shot him. The nerve. I’m currently honing my prison gang set list. Sometimes people don’t … More You Crossed The Line!!!
I went to get a screen protector for my phone. The guy sold me an upgrade to a tempered glass protector. He demonstrated how effective it was by pulling out a phone and pounding it with a hammer! It didn’t even make a scratch. Sold! As soon as I got home, I beat the glass … More How Stupid!!!!
Heather said I could have whatever I wanted today. After consideration, I decided that our house will now be called a compound. I’ve always wanted a compound and now I can act more strangely than ever because everyone who lives in one is expected to be bonkers. The best part of Fathers Day is being … More Every Day Is Father’s Day!!!
Note to self: When asked by you’re wife why you think you’ve been together for so many years, don’t mention anything about alimony. Being comedians, my wife and I can say just about anything to each other without the other getting bludgeoned by a heavy object as is the case on a lot of crime … More I Really Messed Up!!!
I was setting up a joke at a comedy club one night about progress. I said, “We have built a ship to cross an ocean, fast trains to travel across cities, and built planes to fly high in the skies like a bird…” A guy in the audience yelled, “But a man can’t sit on … More We’ve Come So Far, Or Have We???
A friend was out shopping when someone grabbed her purse. Later that evening, the thief rang her doorbell and gave her back her purse. She checked it out and said, I had a twenty dollar bill but now it’s two fives and a ten. He said, I just wanted you to have the change for … More Here’s Got My Purse!!
A lawyer was defending a murder case. He said, “The alleged victim will walk into the courthouse in one minute. The jury stared at the door when the attorney said, “See? You were all looking at the door, which proves reasonable doubt”! The jury found him guilty. The foreman said, “Everyone was looking at the … More The Verdict is In!!!