When I was a kid I told a cop that I had run away from home and now I can’t find my parents. Can you help me? I’d love to, said the cop but there’s just too many places for them to hide. ￼￼ ~Rodney Dangerfield I only ran away from home one time. We … More I’m out of here!!!
I have a tradition and today is the day! Every year on November 6, I put on my tap dance shoes and go crazy. At least that’s what the police claim after my neighbor called them to do a welfare check. Ridiculous. I’m not even on welfare. I’m always impressed by people who can really … More Do What Again???
I love it when someone is being interrogated by the police and 3/4 of the way into the interview the officer asks a question and the person says, “honestly?” That just doesn’t look good. It means that everything you’ve said up until then may have been a lie. Not smart. Instead, maybe you could say, … More To Be Honest…
My house doesn’t have a/c. I didn’t think I could afford a system last year so I bought 34 tubs and kept them filed with dry ice and water with a fan behind each. It was cool but very foggy and I kept running into things. I finally broke my leg. I spent $175,000 that … More I Can’t See Through The Fog!!!
I love to sing and really belt it out. My neighbors love it too because they keep pounding on the walls when I do, which I’m convinced is a call for an encore. They even had some police officers come over to listen. I can sing. Heck, almost everyone can sing. I’m not sure we … More You Just Don’t Appreciate My Talent!!!
I went to the credit union where Heather works and told the teller I wanted to open a joint account. “No problem”, she said. “Heather will be on the account?” I said, “Oh no. Pick anyone who has a lot of money.” At least I thought it was funny. Wouldn’t that be cool? Just join … More Anyone??? Are You Kidding Me???
I have an appointment today so I’m trying both services. Uber and Lyft. Why both? Because I don’t care about the cost and it will be fun for me. I’ll have Uber drive me about a mile and then have Lyft do the same. Then Uber again, etc. Can’t wait! Realistically, I fully expect to … More I’m going to get a Lyft grown Uber today?? Is that legal???
I got into an altercation with an extremely obnoxious man who refused to move away from me, despite repeat requests to do so. I even punched the guy. In jail, my lawyer explained that my behavior was way out of line on a plane. Some people are far too honest. You know them. Proud to … More I’m Better Than You!!!!
It’s so hot, I just heard a circus fire eater say, “Come on! Now everyone is doing it!” I think our founding fathers should have had more compassion and put off Independence Day until October. This is crazy! People are sitting outside in sweltering heat (I’m not sure how hot it needs to be to … More It’s So Hot…
Yesterday a police officer told me “Most accidents happen within one mile from your house.” I said “Really? Thats amazing. I need to be more careful if there are that many right accidents so close to my house. I thought it was funny. He didn’t. It will be worth paying for the ticket just for … More It Was An Accident!!!