Yesterday was a weird day. I decided I would do whatever was on my mind without thought of consequence. So I stole a white duck, a Rolls-Royce convertible (I kicked the sales guy out the door and took off) There’s more. A lot more… I even let the duck drive. Some people say they can’t, … More Was It Just A Dream??? A Nightmare???
Nothing in my size fits me anymore. I have to believe there is a conspiracy in the clothing business to alter the sizes, rendering pants, shirts, whatever too small to wear. Now we must buy all new clothing, making these slimy companies billions. I’m sure I haven’t changed sizes. I’m in one of those dilemmas … More It’s Too Tight!!!
I got into an altercation with an extremely obnoxious man who refused to move away from me, despite repeat requests to do so. I even punched the guy. In jail, my lawyer explained that my behavior was way out of line on a plane. Some people are far too honest. You know them. Proud to … More I’m Better Than You!!!!
My wife bought me a beautiful Miami Dolphins coat for Christmas. It’s even reversible. Too bad the season isn’t. When I wear the coat I also wear a paper bag over my head. At least sports seems to become less important as I grow older. It used to crush me if one of my favorites … More Skunked Again!!!
I was preparing tuna for sandwiches and had just finished chopping the last ingredient when Sarah, my daughter said, “Daddy, I’ve noticed that the older you get, the more stuff you put in your tuna fish.” She was spot on. I don’t know why it happens, but I think most of us cross the ‘add … More Throw It All In!!!
It seems weird to me that a state that really honors their pioneers is without a Pioneer Chicken franchise. We have Zaxby’s, Popeyes, KFC (including the very first one), Maddox (a beloved local place, and even El Pollo Loco. No Pioneer Chicken. Maybe they only did any business on July 24th, Pioneer Day here in … More Pioneer Day? Let’s have chicken!!
I think someone broke into our house last night! I got up to find the place a complete disaster. The living room was ransacked and the kitchen too. Then I realized my wife has been out of town for a week. Its always that way. I’m sure many men go through the same thing. The … More Home Invasion!!!
What do you give to the man who has everything? Simple. Penicillin. Its kind of like the joke where a man goes to the doctor, not feeling well. After tests the doctor told the man that he had so many illnesses that he needed to be quarantined and fed a steady diet of pizza. “You … More I Have What????
When I was in the UK, I toured an old castle. Very creepy. I kept thinking I was seeing ghosts. The tour guide said not to worry because she had been there for quite a while and had yet to see a ghost. I asked how long she had been there. She said, “300 years”. … More I Saw A Ghost!!!
I just took a bite of a delicious looking pumpkin pop tart straight out of the toaster. My teeth all cracked and my tongue fell off. Man, that hurt! I’m really not sure if my teeth cracked, but I definitely heard something like popcorn popping. I’m afraid to look. Getting a burn inside your mouth … More Wait A Minute, You Idiot!!