I went to see my therapist because I had been having dreams that I was a dog. She told me to lie down on the couch and talk about it. I told her no because I wasn’t allowed on furniture. Dogs who live in a loving home have it made. They can play, sleep 18 … More Get Off The Couch!!
Every time one of our dogs walks across the hardwood floor I get confused and think I’m watching 60 Minutes. We have what we believe are the cutest and smartest dogs on the planet, which is true despite the fact that others claim the same thing. The truth is they are lying. We really … More The Perfect Hot Dog!!!
My dogs have no manners. They eat like animals! I love having dogs as pets. Some people say, “I’m a dog lover”, which sounds gross to me. There are laws against cooking dogs. If your thoughts went a different direction, shame on you . They really have become an integral part of the … More They Eat Like Animals!!
Last week I found an injured robin in the backyard. I didn’t know what to do, so I called animal control. They told me to nurse the bird back to health, so I did that and the bird is fine now, but my nipples are killing me! … More Bird Brain!!
A panda bear walks into a bar and orders a sandwich. The panda eats it, shoots the waiter, and walks out. The owner yells for him to stop. “You order food, kill my waiter, then leave without paying!” The bear says, “Hey! I’m a Panda. Look it up!” The owner Googles “panda bear” and read “Panda: a bear-like marsupial who eats shoots and leaves.” … More Panda Express!!
Me: Do you have ADHD?
Friend: I don’t think… Wanna go for a run? … More My Dog has ADHD!!
You never have to buy a cat. You pick up a stray or get them from someone giving kittens away. I’ve never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They’re like, ‘Meow,’ and your like, ‘Oh they’re so cute. Let’s go find one like that.’ … More My Cat Owns Me!