This is what I call myself every time I pour a cup of coffee and try to carry it over to the couch to enjoy it. If I try to take a full cup with the way I shake it never gets there. It’s spills all over everything. So I always take a half a … More I Said Only A Half A Cup, Moron!!!!
I have gout again, and I love it! Your foot swells up and every step feels like you’re walking on a broken foot. I’ve heard that ‘at least when you feel pain, you know you’re alive’. Um, I know I’m alive because I still have to pay taxes. I’m gonna track that guy who said … More I Feel Alive!!!
Last night Heather said, “I think we’re a good couple.” I told her that I do too, then asked her what prompted to say that. “She said, I was thinking about stabbing you a couple of days ago but decided not to.” Yikes! Is this what it’s come down to? They should just go ahead … More I Love You For So Much For Allowing Me To Live!!
We watched ‘The Mist’ where a giant cloud of fog engulfed a small town and everyone out in the mist was savagely killed. This morning I looked outside and there’s a huge mist out there. I’m canceling anything that would take me outdoors until this is over. I despise you Stephen King! I’ve never been … More Stephen King, Literary Terrorist!!!
My neighbor disappeared. His wife reported he was missing. “He’s, 6 foot 4, dark eyes, wavy hair, very fit, soft-spoken, and is good to the children.” The cop said, I know him. He’s 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.” She said, “Yes, but who wants HIM … More You Found My (gulp!) DNA???
There are some things that I just don’t understand. Why does Cupid represent love? The last thing I would ever want is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon. We’ve all seen the pictures on Valentines Day. Little Cupid with his bow drawn and ready to fire at someone’s heart. Cheeseburgers and … More I Think I Love You – Ouch!!!
If I'm ever murdered, a one armed woman in Nebraska did it. I’ve never met or heard from her but my gut tells me it's her. Wait a minute, I just burped and the feeling is gone. Carry on. I’ve mentioned before that we watch a lot of crime movies and tv shows. In the … More She Did It!!!
I used to date a bulimic girl. I met her at a bachelor party; the cake came out of her. Dating is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Every person is unique and that can be good or bad. We never know how the person was raised and … More I’m Bulimic???
I visited a good friend in the hospital. I asked him how he was doing. “Not so good. But at least my wife visits and reads to me three times a day”. I was happy for him. I asked what she read to him. He said, “My life insurance policy”. I don’t have life insurance. … More I’m Not Safe!!
My wife has the worst memory. She remembers EVERYTHING! Hey, I think guys should be allowed at least two knucklehead actions per week and then Will Smith will come and erase those from her memory. Better go ahead and hit his memory too. Because you know we’ll tell her at some point. Now I’m not … More Why Did I Come In Here??