I love it when someone is being interrogated by the police and 3/4 of the way into the interview the officer asks a question and the person says, “honestly?” That just doesn’t look good. It means that everything you’ve said up until then may have been a lie. Not smart. Instead, maybe you could say, … More To Be Honest…
One of the things that the Internet has eliminated is sticker shock. Now people do a lot of research online before they even start to shop. So when they look at the price sticker on the car, they’re never shocked. If I was a car salesman I would hook up the window with the sticker … More Sticker Shock!!! Call 911!!!
Once I bought a nice pocket watch. The sales guy asked me if it was for anyone special. I said “No, I’m just getting it for myself.” He said, “Would you like to have it in graved?” I said, “Yes please. I would like to read, ‘Dear Jerry, I give you this watch as a … More Would I Like It Engraved? Seriously!!!
You hear this a lot. The very fact that you say it means it’s not true. When you’re completely over someone, you will stop talking about them. They won’t even cross your mind. I don’t want to see you on an episode of dateline. That’s really not the best way to get the other person … More I’m Completely Over Him!!!
I should have known my first marriage was over when I opened a Christmas present from my wife and it was luggage. Marriages are very difficult to navigate for long periods of time. I’ve gotten better at it, but navigation through the unknown is risky, at best. Just ask the skipper of the Titanic. … More I Keep A Minister And A Divorce Attorney On Retainer!!!
A former mother in law, as her daughter was leaving, told me that she ‘broke her back’ and ‘worked her fingers to the bone’ trying to make a home for me and my children. Saying that I was unaware because each of those would have required immediate medical attention was apparently the wrong approach. You … More Ouch!!!! That Had To Be Excruciating!!!
This morning I covered my ear with my coffee cup and could hear the ocean! I know! It was awesome until the pain from really hot coffee filled my ear. That hurt! Live and learn. Some things a person should be able to think things through on their own. You know, like taking a lear … More Don’t Drink Coffee Near The Ocean!!!!
My son is the pastor of a church in Mississippi. A visitor approached him and asked my son to pray for his hearing. After prayer, my son asked him if his hearing was better. “I don’t know”, the guy said, “The hearing is on Tuesday.” Slight miscommunication there, eh? Certainly not on the part of … More How Is That Supposed To Help Me???
My foot was severely swollen and extremely painful. I went to my doctor. She took one look and said “gout”. I said, “That’s rude, I just got here.” There is really nothing funny about the gout. It’s incredibly painful and oftentimes requires a crutch or cane to get around. I get it from time to … More Ahhhh! I Think I Broke My Foot!!!
The shortest sentence in the English language, I think, is “I am”. The longest sentence? “I do.” Ok, before anyone goes completely nuts on me, I love my wife of 20 years very much. It’s just that as a comedian and comedy writer, there are certain things I just think of and feel the need … More I’ve Been Sentenced!!!!