“Open wider,” said my dentist, then he said “Good grief! You’ve got the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen… the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.” I said “Hey! I’m scared enough without you repeating that.” “I didn’t!”, he said. “It was the echo.” I really need to see my dentist again. My checkup is long overdue. … More Yikes! Stop Saying That!!!
I used to date a girl who’s father didn’t like me. I was over one evening watching a movie with her when he yelled at me, “I need you to move your car!” I apologized for blocking him in. He said, “You’re not blocking anybody in. You’re at the wrong address!” I think it’s a … More Move Your Car Now!!!!
I’m going to hire protesters to picket outside my house because I’m not allowed to put my feet on the coffee table. This deeply offends me. There’s a camera in our house so Heather can watch me. She says its because of seizures. Right. Actually, we don’t own a coffee table or have a camera … More I’m Going To Protest!!!
If you are a snooze button user, here is the perfect solution. Place a wasp nest on the top of your clock. Problem solved.My wife is notorious for hitting the snooze button for at least an hour before she has to be out of bed. I don’t get it. If I have to get up … More If You Snooze, You Lose!!!
I came down with a cold. Then I came up with an idea. It came across as ridiculous to my friend who came over. Sheesh, it’s no wonder when my grades came out I flunked English. Some people say that English is one of the toughest languages to learn. Based on the above paragraph I … More What are you saying????
I know I’m not insane because I can still distinguish the variety of colors in the crayons they let me use. We all know that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome. Most people I know, including me, do that very thing. I’ve done … More I’ve Gone Mad!!!
A friend of mine was having trouble sleeping due to guilt. He wrote a letter to the IRS which read, “I’m sorry I lied about how much I owe. I can’t even sleep. Here is a check for $200. If I still can’t sleep, I’ll send you the rest”. I think the only good thing … More He Cheated on His Taxes!!
I miss Black Friday. All of the angry customers who waited all night in a freezing parking lot to save a few bucks on a defective MP3 player. They would get really angry and yell at me all day because we ran out of the 17 half price laptops which I had posted on the … More Black Friday Is Gone!!!!