The perfect lines to use if you don’t want a second date, preferably right before you speed off after dropping her off; “I’ve had a great time! Unfortunately, it wasn’t with you.” I know! Very cruel and cowardly but it works as long as she doesn’t know where you live, work or your favorite hangouts … More I Don’t Like You!!!
Last week, Groupon ran a Groupon on Groupon! I’m not kidding. I bought one and strange things started happening. My sprinklers now come on every ten minutes and I’m pretty sure that Heather is somehow stuck in the TV like in Poltergeist. I knew there was something evil about those things. I would get that … More What??? It’s Just Not Right!!
A friend was having marriage problems. He came home to find his luggage packed on the porch. His wife came out and said, “Go away! I hope you die a slow and agonizing death!” He said, “I’m confused. So now you want me to stay?” Divorces are a messy business. Very seldom does a couple … More Get Out And Stay Out!!!
Pride is what you feel when your kids raise $271 conducting a yard sale. Panic is what you feel when you discover your car is missing. It’s Spring and yard sales are popping up everywhere. There is a fine line between yard sale merchandise and trash. It’s usually measured by how close the ‘merchandise’ is … More You Sold What???
A friend of mine just married a 27 year old beautiful woman. He’s 60 so I asked him, “How in the world did you land such a beautiful young woman?” He said, “Jerry, I’m not proud of it but I lied about a couple of things. I told her I was rich and 87.” Gold … More You’re How Old????
An elderly couple were out for a Sunday drive. The woman said, “Look at us. We used to sit right next to each other all of the time. Now you’re way over there and I’m way over here. What happened?” The man said, “I don’t know, I didn’t move.” I haven’t thought about that joke … More I’m Still Here!!!
I got into an altercation with an extremely obnoxious man who refused to move away from me, despite repeat requests to do so. I even punched the guy. In jail, my lawyer explained that my behavior was way out of line on a plane. Some people are far too honest. You know them. Proud to … More I’m Better Than You!!!!
Have you ever had a dream that seemed like it really happened? I had one of those yesterday. I dreamed I was eating saltine crackers and raw hamburger while watching French mimes on TV. Suddenly Lady Gaga stormed in the front door and said “How dare you!!” and took off with the hamburger. Weird, eh? … More Seriously?? That Really Happened???
Modern Family is exactly like The Waltons, except they don’t all live in the same house, they constantly fight with each other and Pa doesn’t work with wood for a living. Um, actually, forget it. They’re not even close. I love Modern Family, the TV show. The characters are hilarious, so you know the writers … More The Family is Coming!? Yikes!!!
My neighbor disappeared. His wife reported he was missing. “He’s, 6 foot 4, dark eyes, wavy hair, very fit, soft-spoken, and is good to the children.” The cop said, I know him. He’s 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.” She said, “Yes, but who wants HIM … More You Found My (gulp!) DNA???