I love the new American Express commercial where a young woman gets the card and goes nuts, buying everything she wants. They don’t tell you that you have to pay it back and she’ll be homeless when it comes time to pay the rent. ￼￼ Most of us have done it especially when it is … More What Are You, Nuts? I Can’t Pay It Back!!!!
I’m dieting right now. Actually, I’m on two diets. You can’t seem to eat enough on just one. My doctor is crazy. He wants me to get down to my original weight but that’s 6 pounds and 2 ounces. I know, I know, diets don’t work. It will hopefully become a lifestyle but for now … More Amazing Diet!!!
My daughter and her husband are having difficulty keeping their boys from running into the parking lot. So they put up a gate. Steve was working on the outside of the gate and dropped a screw. “Don’t worry, Daddy”, Isaac said, “I’ll get it for you”. He crawled under the gate and got the screw. … More Kids Are Brilliant!!!
It doesn’t matter who you are, no one looks cool putting on deodorant. … More Thank God for Deodorant!!
A woman tells her husband, “I’m sad. We probably won’t be together in heaven because we will die at different times.” After a pause her husband said, “I guess that’s why it’s called ‘Heaven’.” … More Heaven!!
When I was doing a recent comedy gig, somone handed me a note from a member of the audience. The only word written on the note was “IDIOT”. I showed the note to the audience and said, “There are people who write letters and forget to sign their name, but this is the first time I’ve seen someone sign their name and forget to write the note”. … More The Joke’s On You!!
A guy was lost in the desert. Hoping to find water, He found little old man selling ties. The guy said “Please, I’m dying of thirst, can I have some water? “The man said, “I don’t have any water, but why don’t you buy a tie? Here’s one that goes nicely with your clothes.”The guy said, “I don’t want a tie, you idiot, I need water!” “OK, over that hill is a nice restaurant.”The guy thanked him and walked away towards the hill. Three hours later the guy came back. “Couldn’t you find it?” “Oh, found it, but they wouldn’t let me in without a tie!” … More Another Tie???
Drinking alcohol can be fun. It can also be very dangerous, you can either consume too much and get sick, become completely obnoxious, or become very, very clumsy. … More Another Martini, Please!
What a dog thinks:
A trash can is container to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If successful, you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread. … More Man’s Best Friend!!
I have a friend who is an idiot. I suppose we all do. How else would we appear to be smart? One day, I was flying down the freeway. I said, “Hey, any cops following us?” My idiot friend said, “Yeah, looks like it”. I said, “Are his flashers on?”, He turned around to the rear window and said, “Yep, nope, yep, nope, yep, nope, yep…” … More What An Idiot!!