I love it when someone is being interrogated by the police and 3/4 of the way into the interview the officer asks a question and the person says, “honestly?” That just doesn’t look good. It means that everything you’ve said up until then may have been a lie. Not smart. Instead, maybe you could say, … More To Be Honest…
I was cleaning the garage yesterday. Suddenly, the Christmas tree box fell on me. I threw it off and it knocked over the metal gas can, which caused a spark, ignited the gas and torched the garage and Heather’s car. I am now in the witness protection program. Have you ever had a chain of … More Oy!! What A Day!!
I got into an altercation with an extremely obnoxious man who refused to move away from me, despite repeat requests to do so. I even punched the guy. In jail, my lawyer explained that my behavior was way out of line on a plane. Some people are far too honest. You know them. Proud to … More I’m Better Than You!!!!
My neighbor was practicing on her piano. I called 911. The dispatcher asked what my emergency was and I told her there was a body next door. She asked if I was sure and I said, “Yes! It’s Mozart! I’m pretty sure my neighbor is butchering him!” Well I thought it was funny. I got … More You Killed Him!!!
Two really old guys were sitting on a bench. One says, “John, I’m 83 years old now and I’m full of aches and pains.” John said, “I’m 98 and I don’t even need glasses.” The other man said, “That’s amazing!” John said, Yep, now I just drink straight from the bottle.” I need to make … More How Did I Get To Be This Old???
I was cooking dinner and the smoke alarm went off. I went to find my kids and they were washing their hands. I said, “Didn’t you hear that noise?” My daughter said, “Yes. It was the smoke detector. It means dinner is ready.” Well what should I expect from a comedian’s kids? All of my … More Fire!!!
Two men in their 60’s were sitting next to each other on a Florida beach. One guy asks the other, “So, just visiting?” The other man replied, “No, I’m retired. I had a business and it burned down.” The second man said, “Same with me, only mine was a flood.” Perplexed, the other man asks, … More Turn Off the Water!!!
I volunteered to judge a chili contest. I had no idea how spicy it was going to be. I couldn’t even take notes. my ears were ringing, sweat was pouring off my forehead and I could no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. I had permanent brain damage. … More Chili Today, Hot Tamale!!
My cousin is so dumb, he thought a barbecue was the waiting list for getting a haircut. … More Run For Your Life!
Golf is a great sport, unless you die playing it. Then it’s a bummer. … More Killer Golf!