Nothing in my size fits me anymore. I have to believe there is a conspiracy in the clothing business to alter the sizes, rendering pants, shirts, whatever too small to wear. Now we must buy all new clothing, making these slimy companies billions. I’m sure I haven’t changed sizes. I’m in one of those dilemmas … More It’s Too Tight!!!
When Heather turned 30 I ordered 30 red roses, one for each year of her life. That’s what the card read. The florist decided on his own to make it an even three dozen. Heather got the roses and card and didn’t speak to me for three months. You can’t be too careful when it … More You Stupid Idiot!!!
Scientists say obesity may be caused by bacteria in your stomach. They are ingested by eating cheeseburgers and pizza. Somewhere between the time I was a kid and now, the American Medical Association decided to change the rules, labeling those of us 20 – 30 pounds overweight as obese. Absurd! According to their charts, I … More How Did I Get Fat???
I just got out of the shower and heard a noise. I was supposed to be alone in the house so I grabbed a baseball bat and headed downstairs. It was my wife in the kitchen. She told me she was going in late and that if an intruder saw my fat, pasty body I … More Say What????
At a dinner party, a little girl kept staring at a man at the table. He finally asked her why she was staring at him. She said, “Mommy and Daddy said you drink like a fish so I was just waiting to see how you do it.” Wanna get away? Kids can be brutally honest. … More You’re drunk!!!
I recently saw an aquaintence who said, “Wow, you look good”. I didn’t know whether to take it as a compliment or an insult, so I throat punched him, just to be sure. Sometimes what we think is a compliment can have negative consequences. I saw a guy I knew who used to have the … More You Look Marvelous!!
Santa’s not coming to our house anymore. There’s only room for one jolly fat man around here. … More Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree…