We all know that Oprah gave Dr. Phil and Dr. Oz their start. What I just learned is that there was one who failed miserably on her show. Dr. Kevorkian was a total bust. No one would volunteer. Can you imagine the show, ‘Doctor Death’? I know! I just don’t think he would have been … More Doctor! Please Help Me!!!
These days I sign all important documents with an EpiPen. At my age, most documents I sign have something to do with my ultimate demise and my EpiPen package says it can save my life. Thank you, EpiPen. EpiPens are really strange looking gadgets. I’m supposed to take one with me wherever I go. The … More Give Me Back My Pen!!!
I think I’ll run for president in 2020. I’m just as qualified as any of the front runners in any party. I made $1.2B last year and got a tax refund, been married 4 times. I’ve sent thousands of emails from my private server and I have an uncle who lives in Moscow, Idaho. I’m … More Here’s Your Stupid Taxes!!!
I was feeling philosophical once and I took a glass out of the liquor cabinet and filled it half full of scotch. I asked my parents if it was half full or half empty. My Dad said, it depends on whether you’re drinking or pouring. He downed the scotch and left the room. Well played, … More It’s Half Full!! Wait! Half Empty!! Oh, I Don’t Know!!!
I love to mess with people. I went into a book store once and told an employee that I was looking for a book about turtles. He asked, “Hardback?” I said, “Please. And also with a little head, legs and a tail.” I thought it was funny. He was not amused. My odd sense of … More Turtles On The Half Shell!!!
My friend, his daughter Beth and I were at the mall and ran into another friend of mine. After introductions, he said to my friend, “And what is Beth short for?” Her father said,”Because she’s only 4, you idiot” I find it interesting the way we shorten names and other words. For example, you’ll never … More I’m Not That Short!!!
I was in a bank. A boy was holding a can full of change. He put a nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. He couldn’t breathe. A man stepped up and did a heimlich maneuver on the boy. His Mom asked, “Sir are you a doctor?” He said, “Nope, IRS agent.” He put the … More That’s My Nickel!!!