My wife is trying to impeach me because I failed to clean the kitchen on Saturday. I’m worried that she has enough votes because she has swayed the opinions of the dogs￼. I don’t even think there are articles of impeachment in place in our home, but there’s no doubt who the speaker of the … More I’ve been impeached!!!
Yesterday I was at a coffee shop and two guys in front of me were arguing about whether coffee came from a bean or a fruit. I settled the argument with in seconds. I asked, “When was the last time you ate some fruit and went for a walk doing mach II?” Why is it … More Coffee – Bean Or Fruit???
There is only one thing in my life that I’m sure of, and that is the love of my wife. Oh, and God. Um, my kids and grandkids love me too. Plus I have to pay taxes. And my dogs love me too. Ok, there seem to be lots of things I’m sure of. Life … More I’m only sure of one thing!!
I’m certain I’m being followed. Every time I turn around I see someone in the shadows. I called the cops, but they refused to even check it out. Hey, just because they’re my dogs doesn’t mean it doesn’t freak me out. Don’t get me wrong, I love our dogs. It’s just that I can’t begin … More They’re Tracking Me!!!!!
A pizza guy came to our door last night. I told him that we didn’t order a pizza and that it must be a mistake. “No, it’s not,” he said. “A friend of yours forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner.” So many people post pictures of … More I Don’t Care What You’re Having For Dinner!!!!
Due to my tweet about shooting my neighbor yesterday, the city is demanding that I step down from being caretaker of my two toy schnauzers. The dogs have no opposable thumbs and one only has six teeth. What are they going to do, bark someone to death? I think I’m going to close my Twitter … More I’m Not Going To Resign!!!
Who is smarter, you or your dog? A psychologist is selling a video to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works… If you spend any money on the video the dog wins. Most dogs are very smart. Most can learn tricks and some of them are quite elaborate. They are much more aware of … More My Dog Is A Genius!!!
I got into an altercation with an extremely obnoxious man who refused to move away from me, despite repeat requests to do so. I even punched the guy. In jail, my lawyer explained that my behavior was way out of line on a plane. Some people are far too honest. You know them. Proud to … More I’m Better Than You!!!!
Last night I was in the living room watching TV. I heard Heather ask “Sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, chicken or steak?” I said, “Thanks Honey, I think I want steak.” She said, “You’re having a peanut butter sandwich. I was talking to the dog!” I don’t know what it is, but I … More Who Gets it???!!??
My dogs have no manners. They eat like animals! I love having dogs as pets. Some people say I’m a dog lover, which sounds gross to me. There are laws against cooking dogs. If your thoughts went a different direction, shame on you . They really have become an integral part of the family in … More Mind Your Manners!!!