One of my Mom’s friends went into the common area at the facility with her fist clenched and yelled “The first man that can guess what I have in my hand can go out with me!” A gentleman yelled, “An elephant!” She said, “Close enough, get your coat!” We watched a movie a few days … More It’s A date!!
A friend and I met up at a night club. When he got there he told me, “See those girls over there? When I walked by one of them said nine. She digs me.” I said, “I hate to tell you this but when I walked by they were speaking German.” I’m so glad I … More Are You Kidding Me?? I’m Hot!!
I used to date a woman who was completely obsessed with line dancing. It got so bad that she had to join a two step program. I’ve never really been a dancer. I’m absolutely terrible at it. I have no rhythm. None. I’m like Steve Martin’s character in ‘The Jerk’. I’m the typical just kind … More I Can’t Even Walk In A Straight Line!!!!
I used to date a girl who’s father didn’t like me. I was over one evening watching a movie with her when he yelled at me, “I need you to move your car!” I apologized for blocking him in. He said, “You’re not blocking anybody in. You’re at the wrong address!” I think it’s a … More Move Your Car Now!!!!
A guy quickly puts 3 cookies in his pocket and tells his friend that he is much smarter than he is because he stole the cookies. The other guy asks the baker for a cookie to do a magic trick. The guy ate the cookie and asked for another. He ate that one too and … More Where’s My Cookie???
E-Harmony claims to have the most marriages of any online dating service. Who cares about that? If I were single and using one of those serial killer sites, I think I’d be more interested in who had the fewest divorce rate. Also mortality rate. Dating online seems crazy to me. There are far too many … More I Just Met You And I Hate You!!!
At one of my nephew’s football games last year, I heard a guy say, “See that teen-ager over there? I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl.” The other person said, “That’s my daughter.” The guy said, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I had no idea you were her father.” The other person said, … More Please Stop Hitting Me!!!
I think that if you change your Facebook relationship status more than three times, it should automatically default to “unstable”. Hey, who am I to talk, I’ve had four wives. I know! It blows my mind too. I was out of control, whacked out. I plead not guilty due to insanity. At least this time … More Me, Unstable?? How Dare You!!
Scientists are trying to create a Viagra for women. It’s already done, and has been around for years. It’s called ‘cash’. If you’re a woman and you’re now angry, you’re not the type of person I’m referring to. Always remember that I am a comedian. My job is to get you to read this, … More Viagra for Women!!
We were enjoying a friendly conversation with a couple and I asked, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to?” “Outstanding,” Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques: visualization, association, etc. It was great.” I said, “That’s great! What was the name of the clinic?” He asked, “What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?”
“You mean a rose?” “Yes, that’s it!” He asked his wife, “Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?” … More Til Death Do We Part – Just Kidding!