A company was having equipment problems and we’re stumped. They called an engineer who could fix anything. He drew an X on the bad part and sent a bill for 50 grand. The owner demanded an itemized bill. The man sent one that read ” fifty cents for chalk, $49,999.50 for the X. I have … More 50 Grand? Are you kidding Me?!?
I received a call yesterday. The guy identified himself only as a ‘Government Agent’. I said, “I know.” He said, “How could you possibly know?” I said, “This phone has no sim card, no battery, and it’s broken.” Little guy 1, The Man 0. I wonder how many ways we are under surveillance by the … More Stop Harassing Me!!!!
My neighbor disappeared. His wife reported he was missing. “He’s, 6 foot 4, dark eyes, wavy hair, very fit, soft-spoken, and is good to the children.” The cop said, I know him. He’s 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children.” She said, “Yes, but who wants HIM … More You Found My (gulp!) DNA???
Yesterday I noticed a missed call on my phone. I didn’t recognize the number so I called back. A woman answered. I told her I was calling because I noticed I had missed a call from her. She said “No one called you from this number. It must have been a wrong number.” What?? I … More What We Got Here Is A Failure To Communicate!!!
A boss I had once bought a beautiful Mercedes coup. I told her what a beautiful car it was. She said, “Well you know that if you work harder, work overtime and spent every weekend here, I could actually get the car I really want”. That’s kind of the way it works, isn’t it? Did … More The Woman is Keeping Down!!!
I think it would be funny when the contestants on “Hunted” who get caught were shot by nerf bullets and paintballs. Right now its just a game of hide and seek with mostly morons who’s cell phones give away their location. Have they never watched “Dateline” or “48 hours”? A burner phone is usually a … More I’ve Been Shot!!!
Once, during a job interview, the guy asked me if I had ever taken illegal drugs. I joked, “Only on Tuesdays, because every other day of the week is forbidden by my religion.” The guy actually terminated the interview right then. … More You’re Hired!!
One day a drunk ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole. A loud voice said, “There are no fish down there.” He drilled another hole and again the voice said, “There’s no fish down there”. He asked, “God, is that you?” “No, you idiot,” the voice said, “it’s the skating rink manager.” … More Going Fishing!