A pizza guy came to our door last night. I told him that we didn’t order a pizza and that it must be a mistake. “No, it’s not,” he said. “A friend of yours forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner.” So many people post pictures of … More I Don’t Care What You’re Having For Dinner!!!!
I got into an altercation with an extremely obnoxious man who refused to move away from me, despite repeat requests to do so. I even punched the guy. In jail, my lawyer explained that my behavior was way out of line on a plane. Some people are far too honest. You know them. Proud to … More I’m Better Than You!!!!
Last night I was in the living room watching TV. I heard Heather ask “Sweetheart, what would you like for dinner, chicken or steak?” I said, “Thanks Honey, I think I want steak.” She said, “You’re having a peanut butter sandwich. I was talking to the dog!” I don’t know what it is, but I … More Who Gets it???!!??
Last year, Heather and I were at a play. A guy sitting several rows behind us kept annoying the usher to get him a seat up front. Finally, he offered the usher a big tip if he’d let him move. He settled in next to us and gave the usher a quarter. The usher said, … More Feline Frenzy!
Two men in their 60’s were sitting next to each other on a Florida beach. One guy asks the other, “So, just visiting?” The other man replied, “No, I’m retired. I had a business and it burned down.” The second man said, “Same with me, only mine was a flood.” Perplexed, the other man asks, … More Turn Off the Water!!!
I went to see my therapist because I had been having dreams that I was a dog. She told me to lie down on the couch and talk about it. I told her no because I wasn’t allowed on furniture. Dogs who live in a loving home have it made. They can play, sleep 18 … More Get Off The Couch!!
I told Heather I was killing mosquitoes in the house. She thought it was cool. She asked me how many I had killed and I said three, to males and three females. She asked me how I could tell. I said it was simple. Two were on the remote and three were on your phone. … More I’m In The Doghouse Again!!!
You own your dog. Your cat owns you. Ok, last night I had one of the most bizarre thing happen to me in my entire life. (Of course it’s my entire life, it would be weird to say ‘in half of my life’) I went out to the mailbox to see if a … More Weird Things Happen to Me!!!
You never have to buy a cat. You pick up a stray or get them from someone giving kittens away. I’ve never seen a cat being bought out of a pet store. They just sit in the pet store. They’re like, ‘Meow,’ and your like, ‘Oh they’re so cute. Let’s go find one like that.’ … More Who Owns That Cat???
I ran into a friend last week. He was holding a small bag from Bath and Body Works. There was an awkward silence for a little while. “I’ve been shopping for Robin’s birthday. I bought her a very expensive bottle of Eau de toilette– this little bottle cost me 75 bucks”! I said, “Why don’t you come … More Stupid Birthday Gifts!!!