I thought about going into politics but I could never cheat on my wife. … More Infidelity!
I’m glad I didn’t become rich and famous in showbiz. I never have the pressure of making a comeback. … More Lights! Camera! Somebody Get Me Out Of Here!
What do you give to the man who has everything? Simple. Penicillin. … More What Do You Get the Person Who Has Everything?
My grandmother was so weird, she thought the moon landing was fake but roller derby was real. … More Another Grand Child!
Last Saturday, we gave money to a guy on a street corner because his sign read, “Too ugly to prostitute”. … More Please Help Me!!
Pain is nature’s way of saying, “Don’t do that.” Painkillers are mankind’s way of saying, “Just watch me.” … More Idiotic!
I might be paranoid, but I’m pretty sure my smart car and my smartphone are conspiring against me. … More Who’s on First?
I pirated “Pirates of the Caribbean”. The irony is awesome! … More Forget Paris!
This weekend, I’m going to do an impression of Christopher Walken doing and impression of me. I might just be able to pull it off. … More Doing Impressions!
Two men in their 60’s were sitting next to each other on a Florida beach. One guy asks the other, “So, just visiting?” The other man replied, “No, I’m retired. I had a business and it burned down.” The second man said, “Same with me, only mine was a flood.” Perplexed, the other man asks, “How do you start a flood?” … More The Great Flood!