Yesterday the Fedex guy delivered my new thesaurus I ordered from Amazon. I consider it a must-have for all writers. When I opened it, every page was blank! I know! I don’t have the words to express my anger! Does anyone even use a thesaurus in paper form anymore? I use the one built in … More This Is Outrageous!!!
We have a ghost in our house. I know! Actually I think it’s technically a ghostwriter. This morning I got up and my autobiography had been written. Writing a book is really a long and arduous process requiring hard work and dedication. That’s probably why I haven’t released a new one in a few years. … More A Ghost!!!
Last week, Groupon ran a Groupon on Groupon! I’m not kidding. I bought one and strange things started happening. My sprinklers now come on every ten minutes and I’m pretty sure that Heather is somehow stuck in the TV like in Poltergeist. I knew there was something evil about those things. I would get that … More What??? It’s Just Not Right!!
My wife hates to return items, so I do it. Last time she bought a pair of jeans a size smaller than usual. When I returned them, the customer service rep asked if there was anything wrong with them. I said, “They hurt my wife’s feelings.” I think most ladies get very disappointed when they … More They Hurt What???
When I was leaving the hospital last week, I decided to get a cup of coffee from a vending machine. The guy in front of me watched in despair as the machine poured the coffee without dropping a cup first. I said, “Wow! Amazing technology. It even drinks it for you”! He was not amused. … More Automate This!!
My wife will come home from shopping and proudly say, “I saved $600 today”! I say, “That’s amazing, Sweetheart”! Then I extend my open hand and stare at her. Finally she asks what I’m doing. I say, “I’m waiting for you to give me the $600”! I’m beginning to love sleeping on the couch. … More Amazon.com CEO Lost 6 Billion dollars yesterday!!
I think older men get a lot of ear hair because they forget to wash their hands after using Rogaine. When I was doing morning radio my cohost and I created a very funny soap opera called “The Adventures of Ernie and Sophie”. They were siblings that were always getting into some ridiculous situation. … More Stop Pulling My Ear Hair!!