I love to mess with people. I went into a book store once and told an employee that I was looking for a book about turtles. He asked, “Hardback?” I said, “Please. And also with a little head, legs and a tail.” I thought it was funny. He was not amused. My odd sense of … More Where is that book???
When I was younger, my boss asked me,”Do you believe in life after death?” I said,”Of course.” He said “That’s good, because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.” I really liked my new job. I think you can only use the ‘dead relative’ gag … More Way to go grandma!!
My friend, his daughter Beth and I were at the mall and ran into another friend of mine. After introductions, he said to my friend, “And what is Beth short for?” Her father said,”Because she’s only 4, you idiot” I find it interesting the way we shorten names and other words. For example, you’ll never … More I’m a little short!!
I was in a bank. A boy was holding a can full of change. He put a nickel in his mouth and swallowed it. He couldn’t breathe. A man stepped up and did a heimlich maneuver on the boy. His Mom asked, “Sir are you a doctor?” He said, “Nope, IRS agent.” He put the … More Hey, that’s my nickel!!
I wish I was a farmer. That would be cool. You work with your hands and machinery and grow whatever will grow in your part of the country. You eat what you grow and you go into town for supplies once a month. Wait. I watched a western last night. Too much work for me. … More I have to plow the upper 40!!
I have so many seizures that I got a job at Home Depot mixing paint. Anyone with a chronic condition must be able to laugh about it once in a while or it will get to you. My condition causes short term memory loss. Every time we pick out a movie to watch, I pick … More I don’t remember!!
I’m so disappointed. I got all excited to learn that Jerry Day is August 4th this year! I know! Then I find out that it is just to celebrate Jerry Garcia! The guy already has ice cream named after him, so they really want to rub salt in that open wound? Sure, Jerry Garcia was … More It’s Jerry Day!!
When I got the mail yesterday, I inadvertently put the water bill on the electric bill. Needless to say, I was shocked. (Insert rim shot) I love the fact that you can pay a set utility payment year round. I only do it for electricity because I use an electric fireplace in the winter and … More I am shocked!!
I was at a coffee shop recently and asked an employee what the wifi password was. She said “You have to buy a drink first.” I said, “OK, I’ll take a pumpkin spice latte.” After I paid for the drink I asked “Now what is the password?” She said “It’s ‘You have to buy a … More What’s the password???
We played the Christmas version of ‘Clue’ this year. My Mother-in-law killed the Christmas dinner, in the kitchen, with the oven. Just kidding. She didn’t even touch the holiday dinner. We’ve learned that the hard way. One year, she took the turkey out of the oven and I swear it cried out for help. This … More I have no clue!!