Yesterday I was messing around with my computer. Heather asked me what I was doing. I said “I’m trying to fix a problem. My pc says it can’t see my printer!” She said. “That doesn’t surprise me. Your office is a disaster. I can’t see your printer either!” I’ll admit, I do have a pretty … More Where did I put it??
Yesterday, we were on the way to a Bible study. We got a few blocks away when Heather realized she forgot her Chapstick. She suddenly did a better fish tail turn around than Jason Bourne and burned rubber all the way home. When she got back in the car she said, “That’s better.” I said … More I’m addicted!!
Yesterday the Fedex guy delivered my new thesaurus I ordered from Amazon. I consider it a must-have for all writers. When I opened it, every page was blank! I know! I don’t have the words to express my anger! Does anyone even use a thesaurus in paper form anymore? I use the one built in … More This is an outrage!!
I figured it out! Russia has been infiltrating spies for decades! Just think about the subtle comparisons. Cosmonauts/Cosmetologists. Who would suspect? And I’m pretty sure they get their assignments from special codes inside Cosmopolitan Magazine. I have been in touch with the FBI several times and they’re taking this very seriously. I wouldn’t be surprised … More The Russians are coming!!
A car full of nuns ran out of gas. They walked to a gas station but the clerk told them that all he had for them to carry the gasoline was an old bed pan. As they were putting the gas in the car, a man pulled up and said, “Sisters, I wish I had … More I’m out of gas!!
L I think the ‘experts should get their act straight. I’ve heard that every piece of bacon you eat subtracts seven minutes of your life. I don’t believe it! If it were accurate, I should have died in 1826. Besides, the seven minute total would take away that time when I’m really old and decrepit. … More I love doing crunches!
On Tuesday, two Alabama men decided it would be fun to put on bullet proof vests, go in the back yard and shoot each other. They followed through but one of them had to go to the hospital. They were both arrested. Just a hunch, but do you think there was moonshine involved? Seriously, the … More I shot you first!!
Last year on April Fools Day, I told a police officer that I had committed the murder they couldn’t solve. Before I could say “April Fools!”, I was on the ground, cuffed and whisked off for 8 grueling hours of interrogation. They were not happy about my prank. I need to think these things through. … More I need to think things through!!
I never know what to do when I meet someone who I’ve always wanted to meet, so I instantly make deep eye contact with them for uncomfortable periods of time before speaking. I’m convinced that they’ll never forget me. I have 47 restraining orders to prove it. Bill Murray is someone that I have always … More Restrain yourself!!
I saw my therapist a few days ago. She scolded me for missing my last two appointments because my condition is serious. I said, “I know, but I was just doing what you told me.” She said, “I haven’t told you to skip appointments!” I said,”No, but you told me to avoid people who irritate … More You drive me nuts!!