Ladies are much more smarter than men. For example, women would never say ‘much more smarter’. That’s just poor grammar. Our wives can get us in checkmate very fast by just asking a simple question. “Does this blouse look too small?” Checkmate. Game over. In comedy, you hear phrases like that all of the time. … More Check mate!
When my kids were little, we were leaving. My daughter waved and said, “Bye bye, Goofy.” My son waved and said, “Bye bye, Pluto.” I waved and said, “Bye bye, money.” I honestly have no idea how a family can afford to go to any of the Disney properties. Seriously, it’s crazy expensive. I think … More I can’t afford this!
Every time I hear someone say “He/She rubs me the wrong way.”, I think,”If you are unhappy with the way they rub you, you shouldn’t let them rub you anymore.” Why would you do that? Even if it’s a masseuse, hire someone else. Seriously, it’s kind of a stupid thing to say. I think it … More Which way should they rub you?
I’m currently raising money for my 2020 presidential campaign. This is way more expensive than I thought. I honestly don’t know if I can get on the ballot. I’m certain I could get on it dishonestly, and it will probably come down to whatever nickname Trump gives me. Maybe ‘The Bomber’ because of my act. … More Witness protection!!
When I was 18, I was hired along with two other guys to remove scrap metal from old buildings. We found three live hand grenades. We decided to take them to the boss in a box. I said, “What if one blows up on the way?” Another guy said, “We’ll just tell them that we … More Fire in the hole!!
Some practical jokes can get out of hand. I started yelling set up lines at my neighbor. Then about an hour later I’d yell the punch line. He laughed every time. The last time, though, he didn’t laugh so I shot him. The nerve. I’m currently honing my prison gang set list. Sometimes people don’t … More I don’t like it in prison!!
I decided it was time for me to quit doing comedy when I told the same joke three times in one performance. It wasn’t the repetition that bothered me, it was the fact that all three times it didn’t get a laugh. I always knew the time would come when I would know it was … More My brain is frozen!!
This morning I covered my ear with my coffee cup and could hear the ocean! I know! It was awesome until the pain from really hot coffee filled my ear. That hurt! Live and learn. Some things a person should be able to think things through on their own. You know, like taking a lear … More Never drink coffee at the beach!
I asked my friend Jake, who is an avid diver, why the divers always fall backwards into the water. He said, “Dummy, if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.” Um, oh yeah. I should have figured that one out myself. The problem is, I still don’t know the real answer. When you … More Backwards you fool!!
Last year on April Fools Day, I told a police officer that I had committed the murder they couldn’t solve. Before I could say “April Fools!”, I was on the ground, cuffed and whisked off for 8 grueling hours of interrogation. They were not happy about my prank. I need to think these things through. … More April fool!!!