With all of the ‘Porch Pirates’ stealing gifts, I think they should have to dress like a real pirate. Eye patch, gross teeth (although I’m pretty sure most of them already have meth mouth); the works. And when they’re caught, they would have to walk the plank 15 feet high into a kiddie wading pool. … More Porch Pirates!!
If I were a woman and a guy was trying to show his undying love for me by saying he would climb the highest mountain and swim the deepest ocean for me, I think I would say, “Awesome! Let me know when you get back and we’ll talk.” We guys say some of the most … More You would do that for me?
I think I would rather be a baseball bat than a piñata, because the piñata gets hit pretty hard. When my kids were little, I only bought one piñata for their birthday parties. I don’t mean one for each party, I mean only one ever. Each time a blindfolded kid took a whack at it, … More Stop hitting me!!
Back in my single days, I had a gym membership. One day I saw a woman that I really wanted to impress. I asked one of the trainers which machine I could use to impress her. He looked me over and said, “I would try the ATM across the street.” Men and women will do … More Very funny!!
My brain travels at the speed of light…One second it’s here and the next it’s 186,000 miles away. I think as I get older, I seem to forget where I put things, what I’ve said or written or where I’ve put things. I think as I get older, I seem to forget where I put … More Where is my brain??
A pizza guy came to our door last night. I told him that we didn’t order a pizza and that it must be a mistake. “No, it’s not,” he said. “A friend of yours forgot his Facebook password and wanted to show you what he was eating for dinner.” So many people post pictures of … More I don’t need to know!!
Ladies are much more smarter than men. For example, women would never say ‘much more smarter’. That’s just poor grammar. Our wives can get us in checkmate very fast by just asking a simple question. “Does this blouse look too small?” Checkmate. Game over. In comedy, you hear phrases like that all of the time. … More Check mate!
When my kids were little, we were leaving. My daughter waved and said, “Bye bye, Goofy.” My son waved and said, “Bye bye, Pluto.” I waved and said, “Bye bye, money.” I honestly have no idea how a family can afford to go to any of the Disney properties. Seriously, it’s crazy expensive. I think … More I can’t afford this!
Every time I hear someone say “He/She rubs me the wrong way.”, I think,”If you are unhappy with the way they rub you, you shouldn’t let them rub you anymore.” Why would you do that? Even if it’s a masseuse, hire someone else. Seriously, it’s kind of a stupid thing to say. I think it … More Which way should they rub you?
I’m currently raising money for my 2020 presidential campaign. This is way more expensive than I thought. I honestly don’t know if I can get on the ballot. I’m certain I could get on it dishonestly, and it will probably come down to whatever nickname Trump gives me. Maybe ‘The Bomber’ because of my act. … More Witness protection!!