Porch Pirates!!

With all of the ‘Porch Pirates’ stealing gifts, I think they should have to dress like a real pirate. Eye patch, gross teeth (although I’m pretty sure most of them already have meth mouth); the works. And when they’re caught, they would have to walk the plank 15 feet high into a kiddie wading pool. … More Porch Pirates!!

Stop hitting me!!

I think I would rather be a baseball bat than a piñata, because the piñata gets hit pretty hard. When my kids were little, I only bought one piñata for their birthday parties. I don’t mean one for each party, I mean only one ever. Each time a blindfolded kid took a whack at it, … More Stop hitting me!!

Very funny!!

Back in my single days, I had a gym membership. One day I saw a woman that I really wanted to impress. I asked one of the trainers which machine I could use to impress her. He looked me over and said, “I would try the ATM across the street.” Men and women will do … More Very funny!!

Check mate!

Ladies are much more smarter than men. For example, women would never say ‘much more smarter’. That’s just poor grammar. Our wives can get us in checkmate very fast by just asking a simple question. “Does this blouse look too small?” Checkmate. Game over. In comedy, you hear phrases like that all of the time. … More Check mate!

Witness protection!!

I’m currently raising money for my 2020 presidential campaign. This is way more expensive than I thought. I honestly don’t know if I can get on the ballot. I’m certain I could get on it dishonestly, and it will probably come down to whatever nickname Trump gives me. Maybe ‘The Bomber’ because of my act. … More Witness protection!!