One day bananas look, taste and smell great and the next day, the banana’s toxic fumes will try to kill you. Bananas should not ferment. Children eat them. I don’t think kids should be getting high off of bananas. They also come with stickers attached. I don’t need reading material on my banana. I think … More Don’t eat the bananas!!Don’t eat the bananas!!
I’m learning how to slice food with one of those ‘As seen on tv’ gadgets one finger at a time. I finally threw it away. I’m a bleeder. I don’t think having perfectly sliced cucumbers is worth bleeding out. I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. I’ve used the thing three times resulting in … More Somebody get me a tourniquet!
I’m in the mood for some silly duck jokes. What do a bike and a duck have in common? They both have a handlebar except for the duck. What does a duck have in common with a Ming Vass? Neither is a lamp. There ya go. When I lived in Eureka, California, our neighbors were … More These ducks can’t fly!
Our popcorn air popper died last night, so Heather used her blow dryer instead. I was amazed at how great it worked. I do wish she had used butter instead of gel and hairspray, though. That part was gross. I can remember a time when there were only a couple of ways people popped corn. … More This hair gel is disgusting!!
About a year ago, I happened upon a scene I’ll never forget. It was on a rainy Thursday night.. Wait it couldn’t have been a Thursday because that’s poker night. Anyway, it was downtown and… Wait, it couldn’t have been downtown because I don’t drive or take the bus. Actually, I don’t even recall what … More I don’t drive!!
I think I’ll run for president in 2024. I’m just as qualified as any of the front runners in any party. I made $1.2B last year and got a tax refund, been married 4 times. I’ve sent thousands of emails from my private server and I have an uncle who lives in Moscow, Idaho. I’m … More I’m running for president!
Words never heard, anywhere: I can’t wait for the next Steve Guttenberg movie! Ok, that’s mean and it’s not his fault. In fact and more to the point, he’s not a good actor, but he ended up landing quite a few juicy movie gigs. That’s great marketing on his or his agent’s part. I’m really … More Don’t say that!!
My friend Steve really needed a new laptop for college but he also wanted to ‘pop the question’ to his girlfriend. He took her to dinner and surprised her on one knee with a beautiful engagement ring. Then he asked, “Megan, will you do me the honor of buying me a new laptop?” I don’t … More The answer is no!!
I don’t like the word ‘stuck’. There’s nothing good about it. “I’m stuck! Help me out! Ouch! I just got stuck with a pin! I have that stupid song stuck in my head! I got stuck in the back of the line! There are plenty more, of course. I move that we delete the word … More I’m stuck!!
My doctor is insane! He wants me to get down to my original weight, but that’s 6 pounds, 5 ounces! My therapist wants me to go on a Keto diet developed by a Dr. Axe. I don’t know about that. There are exactly 1,06,461 keto diet plans available. Since I donated a kidney, I need … More Diets make me crazy!