When my kids were little, we were leaving Disneyland. My daughter waved and said, “Bye bye, Goofy.” My son waved and said, “Bye bye, Pluto.” I waved and said, “Bye bye, money.” I honestly have no idea how a family can afford to go to any of the Disney properties. Seriously, it’s crazy expensive. I … More I am broke!!!
I used to believe in Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. As I grow older, I believe exclusively in the Tooth Fairy. She’s the only one that makes sense. There’s no way I can believe in a jolly old elf that can make his way to every house, hut and shelter around the globe in … More I’m not sure what I believe!!
Our fireplace is really just a space heater with phoney fire, but at least it looks fake. Not everyone can say that. Fake fireplaces, fake Christmas trees, fake wreaths, candles to make it smell like a wax forest in our homes. Even fake snow so the ski resorts can open early and stay open longer. … More You mean it’s all fake???
They say I have some irational fears. Seriously, is it not normal to worry that every ache and pain will be lethal? Is it wrong to think that rogue Tibetan Monks will swarm the house and force me to be a monk? I wouldn’t be able to speak or blog for two years!! Oh, and … More What do you mean I’m paranoid???
At a burger joint, I saw an old couple buy one meal and split it. The man was eating while the woman waited. I offered to buy another meal but she said “No thank you. We always split everything 50/50.” I asked her why she was waiting and she said, “It’s his turn to use … More The teeth? No, not the teeth!!
I am absolutely certain that my dogs can understand English perfectly and are using their clever ‘doggy’ language to plot the overthrow of our household government. They want more meat content in their Iams. I need to let Heather, our leader, know at once! I don’t think they’ve thought this through. First of all, they’re … More They know!!
When my little brother was really young, my mom told us that since he was getting bigger now, we were going to need to move to a different house. I said, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He’s crawling pretty fast now, he’ll probably follow us.” Last week, although the circumstances were far … More He’s following us!
Yesterday I received an invitation to the very exclusive Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte patch. Who knew? It’s underground so it’s impossible to find. I was taken there while blindfolded and left by the side of the road to find a ride home. It was well worth it all to get a fresh Pumpkin Spice Latte. … More Pumpkin spice patch
My foot was severely swollen and extremely painful. I went to my doctor. She took one look and said “gout”. I said, “That’s rude, I just got here.” There is really nothing funny about the gout. It’s incredibly painful and oftentimes requires a crutch or cane to get around. I get it from time to … More I broke my foot!!
A friend told me that since I’m a comedy writer, he takes everything I say with a grain of salt. What the heck does that even mean? I’ve never seen him actually pop any salt in his mouth when I’ve been talking to him in the past. And why just one grain? Why not several … More A grain of salt??