I never know what to do when I meet someone who I’ve always wanted to meet, so I instantly make deep eye contact with them for uncomfortable periods of time before speaking. I’m convinced that they’ll never forget me. I have 47 restraining orders to prove it. Bill Murray is someone that I have always … More Restrain yourself!!

I saw my therapist a few days ago. She scolded me for missing my last two appointments because my condition is serious. I said, “I know, but I was just doing what you told me.” She said, “I haven’t told you to skip appointments!” I said,”No, but you told me to avoid people who irritate … More You drive me nuts!!

I used to golf with my friend Jake. Heather recently asked me why I don’t play golf with him anymore. I said, “Would you play golf with a guy who moved the ball with his foot when you weren’t watching?” She said, “Of course not.” I said, “Well Jake won’t either.” I used to love … More I didn’t move it!!

A little girl was feeding bird seed to her cat. Her mother asked her why. She said, “Because my parakeet is in there.” I’ve written before about my love for birds. They just amaze me. Yesterday, my friend Dennis told me there has been a woodpecker pecking the stucco on the side of their house. … More Has anybody seen my bird??

I was talking to a friend this past week. My friend ran to his dad and told him the car wouldn’t start. “What’s wrong with it, son?” Said his dad. My friend said that there was water in the carburetor. he said,”You don’t even know what a carburetor is!”. “I know, but I’m pretty sure … More I’m so sorry!

I hate it when the local news here keeps going back to a ‘Breaking News’ story that was resolved an hour before the broadcast. I already know what I did, they’re just rubbing it in. It’s so ridiculous. They keep going back to the same reporter every five minutes to get the exact same ‘update’ … More I know what I did!!

Just when I thought it wasn’t possible, today I’m a bigger baseball fan than ever! Ok, so it’s because I gained 30 pounds during the off season, but still… Major league baseball is just a week from today! The smell of the freshly cut grass! Hot dogs! Nachos! Beer! The Crack of the bat! Juicing! … More The season is about to start!

I used to work for a large cell phone company. My new boss from outside the company wasn’t ‘tech savvy’. One day he called me in his office because his new computer didn’t work. He was standing, pointing the mouse at the monitor and said he couldn’t get the remote to work. I swear, it’s … More I’m Technologically challenged!!

I was cleaning the garage yesterday. Suddenly, the Christmas tree box fell on me. I threw it off and it knocked over the metal gas can, which caused a spark, ignited the gas and torched the garage and Heather’s car. I am now in the witness protection program. Have you ever had a chain of … More I’m in big trouble!!

It’s raining here, so the floor was kind of slippery at McDonald’s. Of course I was the one who slipped and fell. I hurt my knee, back, neck and leg. I thought about suing, but they offered me a free breakfast sandwich every week for a year! Score! I love McDonald’s breakfast. I really don’t … More I am McStupid