Some practical jokes can get out of hand. I started yelling set up lines at my neighbor. Then about an hour later I’d yell the punch line. He laughed every time. The last time, though, he didn’t laugh so I shot him. The nerve. I’m currently honing my prison gang set list. Sometimes people don’t … More I don’t like it in prison!!

I decided it was time for me to quit doing comedy when I told the same joke three times in one performance. It wasn’t the repetition that bothered me, it was the fact that all three times it didn’t get a laugh. I always knew the time would come when I would know it was … More My brain is frozen!!

This morning I covered my ear with my coffee cup and could hear the ocean! I know! It was awesome until the pain from really hot coffee filled my ear. That hurt! Live and learn. Some things a person should be able to think things through on their own. You know, like taking a lear … More Never drink coffee at the beach!

I asked my friend Jake, who is an avid diver, why the divers always fall backwards into the water. He said, “Dummy, if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.” Um, oh yeah. I should have figured that one out myself. The problem is, I still don’t know the real answer. When you … More Backwards you fool!!

Last year on April Fools Day, I told a police officer that I had committed the murder they couldn’t solve. Before I could say “April Fools!”, I was on the ground, cuffed and whisked off for 8 grueling hours of interrogation. They were not happy about my prank. I need to think these things through. … More April fool!!!

14 years ago today, I started an airline called ‘Stealth Airlines’. I sold a lot of tickets for about a week, claiming my planes were invisible. I’ve hidden out in the Bermuda Triangle since then. It seems like people can’t take a joke anymore. I don’t believe that the US has an extradition treaty here … More I can’t see my planes!!

It’s so hot, Siri just told me to put my phone in the fridge. It’s so hot, the hottest woman in America lives in a shack in Phoenix. 43 years ago today was my first day of active duty in the Air Force. Talk about culture shock! I went from the wonderful temperature in Eureka, … More I’m on fire!!

I used to date a girl who’s father didn’t like me. I was over one evening watching a movie with her when he yelled at me, “I need you to move your car!” I apologized for blocking him in. He said, “You’re not blocking anybody in. You’re at the wrong address!” I think it’s a … More Move your car!!

Hello? I’m sure that will be my last word spoken in this lifetime when one of those really scary intruders is in my darkened house. It’s not like you’re answering the phone or meeting some random and harmless person in broad daylight at a marionette store. Ok, forget that example. If you’re both in a … More And that’s final!!

I saw a sign that read ‘Signal ahead”. I told Heather to stop the car about 10’ ahead and began frantically waving down cars. I fired a flare gun. The fire department came and quickly doused the fire started from the gun. I even got a citation! Sweet! I don’t think we can take chances … More Signal ahead!!