I am broke!!!

When my kids were little, we were leaving Disneyland. My daughter waved and said, “Bye bye, Goofy.” My son waved and said, “Bye bye, Pluto.” I waved and said, “Bye bye, money.” I honestly have no idea how a family can afford to go to any of the Disney properties. Seriously, it’s crazy expensive. I … More I am broke!!!

They know!!

I am absolutely certain that my dogs can understand English perfectly and are using their clever ‘doggy’ language to plot the overthrow of our household government. They want more meat content in their Iams. I need to let Heather, our leader, know at once! I don’t think they’ve thought this through. First of all, they’re … More They know!!

He’s following us!

When my little brother was really young, my mom told us that since he was getting bigger now, we were going to need to move to a different house. I said, “I don’t know if that’s a good idea. He’s crawling pretty fast now, he’ll probably follow us.” Last week, although the circumstances were far … More He’s following us!

Pumpkin spice patch

Yesterday I received an invitation to the very exclusive Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte patch. Who knew? It’s underground so it’s impossible to find. I was taken there while blindfolded and left by the side of the road to find a ride home. It was well worth it all to get a fresh Pumpkin Spice Latte. … More Pumpkin spice patch

I broke my foot!!

My foot was severely swollen and extremely painful. I went to my doctor. She took one look and said “gout”. I said, “That’s rude, I just got here.” There is really nothing funny about the gout. It’s incredibly painful and oftentimes requires a crutch or cane to get around. I get it from time to … More I broke my foot!!

A grain of salt??

A friend told me that since I’m a comedy writer, he takes everything I say with a grain of salt. What the heck does that even mean? I’ve never seen him actually pop any salt in his mouth when I’ve been talking to him in the past. And why just one grain? Why not several … More A grain of salt??