Somebody get me a tourniquet!

I’m learning how to slice food with one of those ‘As seen on tv’ gadgets one finger at a time. I finally threw it away. I’m a bleeder. I don’t think having perfectly sliced cucumbers is worth bleeding out.

I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. I’ve used the thing three times resulting in a trip to the ER for stitches and two heavily bandaged index fingers. I even used the protective thingy that holds the item being sliced in place, but once half of the item is finished, you can’t use the thingy. That’s where I get in trouble.

They make it look so easy on the commercial or at the fair. I think that in order to purchase these items you must show proof of medical insurance. You’re gonna need it. These machines are evil. They’re designed by a deranged person who sits back counting his money with a maniacal laugh while his customers fill up emergency rooms everywhere. The owners manual just says ‘Don’t cut yourself’.

I think all of the victims should band together and file a class action lawsuit against the companies who sell these razor sharp finger guillotines. The problem with that is that we we would all have to admit that we’re idiotic people who can’t figure out how to use a simple device.

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2 thoughts on “Somebody get me a tourniquet!

  1. Once more your wry brand of Observational Comedy reveals two truths Jerry.
    1. These devices should only be handled after a period of a month’s training.
    2. Like the guy whose family brought a case on the behalf of the (deceased) guy because the metal ladder company had not placed a notice on the ladder stating you shouldn’t lean said ladder against a live power cabal…. Who really wants that made public?????

    Liked by 1 person

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