I’m running for president!

I think I’ll run for president in 2024. I’m just as qualified as any of the front runners in any party. I made $1.2B last year and got a tax refund, been married 4 times. I’ve sent thousands of emails from my private server and I have an uncle who lives in Moscow, Idaho.

I’m going to do it. I won’t campaign at all because I won’t need to. I’ll just hack every single voting machine in the country. A lot of work in just one day? Sure, but I think I can do it using nana technology invented by my mother. I’ll enlist the help of senior citizens across the country and teach them how to hack while the other knucklehead candidates are out stumping, holding rallies and fundraisers.

I have a year and five months to accomplish this huge endeavor, so I need to get started. One senior citizen assigned to two machines each. The numbers are there. The technology is there. The sketchy behavior is there. Check, check and check.

The only real skeleton in my closet is my arrest and conviction for bribing a guy to get my dogs into service animal training school. Neither one qualified, but I don’t think it was their fault. I was just trying to do what was best for my little girls. I served my time in the same time and place as Martha Stewart. The crepes were delicious.

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