I Want My Finger Back!!!

I’m learning how to slice food with one of those ‘As seen on tv’ gadgets one finger at a time. I finally threw it away. I’m a bleeder. I don’t think having perfectly sliced cucumbers is worth bleeding out.

I wish I was kidding, but I’m not. I’ve used the thing three times resulting in a trip to the ER for stitches and two heavily bandaged index fingers. I even used the protective thingy that holds the item being sliced in place, but once half of the item is finished, you can’t use the thingy. That’s where I get in trouble.

They make it look so easy on the commercial or at the fair. I think that in order to purchase these items you must show proof of medical insurance. You’re gonna need it. These machines are evil. They’re designed by a deranged person who sits back counting his money with a maniacal laugh while his customers fill up emergency rooms everywhere. The owners manual just says ‘Don’t cut yourself’.

I think all of the victims should band together and file a class action lawsuit against the companies who sell these razor sharp finger guillotines. The problem with that is that we we would all have to admit that we’re idiotic people who can’t figure out how to use a simple device.

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4 thoughts on “I Want My Finger Back!!!

  1. I agree! I received one for Christmas a few years back, used it twice and relegated it to the very back of a cabinet somewhere. I can have the onion chopped with my nice sharp knife in a fraction of the time it takes to put that thing together, and do a better job of it, too. Gimmicks ‘n gadgets.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. If you ask me, the manufacturer of these devices is supported (through shell companies) by a secret cabal of lawyers who are waiting for folk to bring suits against the larger corporations who have overall responsibility and will foot the final bill….the lawyers will represent both sides, engage in long complex legal footlin’ and generally clean up with very large legal bills!

    Liked by 1 person

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