I got a gold pocket watch. My neighbor asked me where I got it. I told him I had to beat three people out to get it. He said, “eBay?” I said, “Nope, two cops and the owner.”
I think if I decided to be a thief, I wouldn’t steal things as stupid as a case of beer or some cigarettes. That’s a stupid way to get thrown in jail. Hello, they have cameras in those places. I also wouldn’t rob banks. Two reasons, great cameras and dye packs. I don’t look good in purple. Donny Osmond could make it work, but not me.
My Dad always told me, “Go big or go home.” Great advice from someone so wise. So I decided to get an orange vest, a clipboard and a hard hat. The first thing I stole was a skip loader. I just told the guys at the job site that the boss needed it on a different job. It was pretty easy to unload, too. Just an ad on Craig’s List for a very good price. Done. I’ve discovered you can steal anything with those three items.
Next, I created a phony deed for several acres of land and hired a company to move a house that was for sale out to my phoney property. No one has caught on yet and I’ve been living a life of luxury for several years now. I stole a couple of horses, cows and some chickens too. I love my life. Stealing beer… Amateurs.