Last week, Groupon ran a Groupon on Groupon! I’m not kidding. I bought one and strange things started happening. My sprinklers now come on every ten minutes and I’m pretty sure that Heather is somehow stuck in the TV like in Poltergeist.
I knew there was something evil about those things. I would get that little old lady that fixed things in the movie but the world has turned too many times for her and she’s in big screen heaven. Weird things happen in this world.
A guy Googled ‘google’ on his laptop last month and was blown to smitherines. I’m not sure what smitherines are but they can’t be good. I was once in one of those house of mirrors you see at carnivals and county fairs. I was looking at images of myself as far as I could see. Then, toward the back one of my images waves to me. I wet myself.
I think there are some things we just shouldn’t mess around with. Here are a few in addition to the ones already mentioned. Any childrens toy where you pull a string and it talks. Toys should not talk. Ever! If you have any, throw them out… No, burn them. They’re freaky and dangerous. And all ventriloquist dummies. All of ’em.
I have to go now. The TV just came on so I think Heather is going to tell me to clean the kitchen.