If I’m ever attacked by a bear, I’m going to give it Charmin bathroom tissue. According to the Charmin commercials they really love the stuff. It finally proves one thing. A bear really does “go” in the woods. Plus it will save my life.

Keeping in mind that I’m never in the woods I’m not likely to cross paths with a bear, but you can’t be too careful. It’s always best to be prepared. What if I’m at the zoo and a bear gets loose? I’ve got everyone’s back. They’ll feel ashamed for making fun of me for carrying the package of Charmin with me.

It really won’t bother me to take the stares and rude comments from others because they’re not aware of the imminent danger but I will be at the ready. I’ll be like a super hero, able to stop any bear in its tracks and make it happy. At the very least they’ll refer to me as the bear whisperer. That’s going to be cool.

Then again, I wonder if it will only work on blue and red bears. That’s really all you see on the commercials. Well I don’t care. It is my destiny. Now if I can just convince these doctors to let me out of this weird place I can get started.

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