You Turkey!!

A woman saw a little old looking man rocking in a chair outside a Cracker Barrel restaurant. She said, “You look so happy. What’s your secret for a long happy life?” The man said, “I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink lots of whiskey, eat cheeseburgers and never exercise.” The woman said, “That’s amazing! How old are you?” He said, “26”.

When I was much younger, my little brother and I were the best of friends. I would call him nearly every day and complain about the horrible heartburn I was having. He would ask me what I had for breakfast. “A hot dog”, I would say. Then he would ask me if I was drinking coffee. I would say, “Of course”. Then he would hang up on me.

There was no doubt that I was the source of my own problem. It was how I lived. When I was in town (Southern California), I would chain smoke and drink coffee hoursI before taking the stage at the Laugh Factory or the Comedy Store. More heartburn.

I could temporarily squelch the fire with Tums or Rolaids, but it was a very temporary remedy. A few hours of relief and then, bam! Back with a vengeance. It didn’t help that after the shows, some of us would head up Sunset Blvd to get the best chili burgers and fries in the land.

I swear, if I hadn’t married to my wife, Heather, I would be long gone by now. Times have changed, in that more and more single men are more health conscious, eating healthy food and getting exercise. The exception would be the road entertainers. When we have a gig scheduled somewhere, we seldom have a lot of time to get there.

We look for truck stops where we can fill our tanks, grab some great tasting horrible food, coffee or soda and be back on the road in 15 minutes. Some guys are married, so things sort of balance out by eating healthy at home. For the single guys, however, there is generally no balance.

Even at home, grocery shopping involved talking to a well lit menu board at a drive thru. Sometimes I miss those days, although there is no doubt in my mind that it is part of the reason I’m sick now. You just can’t live that way for so many years and expect to be in good health.

I quit smoking a long, long time ago. I rarely have a hot dog; maybe once or twice a year. That’s sad to me because I love ’em. So much so that I once went on an all hot dog diet. I ate one hot dog a day, sometime in the afternoon, and that was it for the day. I know! I lost 40 pounds and any chance for a healthy future.

I’m losing weight again now, but only because Heather does the shopping and I can’t go anywhere during the day, so it’s healthy or nothing. Healthy, it is. Ugh.

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