When a young person goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I’ve got this pain in my side”, the doctor gives him a prescription. When I do the exact same thing, the doctor says, “Oooh, that’s gotta come out.”
I’m not a hypochondriac, I’ve just had a lot of things go haywire in the last 15 years. I think it all started when I donated a kidney to my nephew. People tag that act as brave, noble or stupid, but the truth is, I think most people would do it if someone was going to die without donating.
Anyhoo, the other kidney started acting up, but eventually settled down. Then I started having trouble with my heart. It would, under stressful conditions, beat at a very rapid rate, which I thought was kind of cool because it eliminated the need for exercise. My heart rate was already better than most athletes! Ha! In your face, Mr. Bowflex!
Then I found out that the rapid heart beat can kill you, so I had an ablation done, where they go in your heart, kind of like an angiogram and burn out the extra circuit in your heart thats causing the rapid heart beat. Done. The end. Good as new!
Wrong. I began having bouts with diverticulitis, which is extremely painful and can cause a perforated bowel. If the perforation is bad enough, it can prove to be fatal. Are you kidding me? I knew my mother had mentioned that she had it, but she was never hospitalized with it. I thought it was mostly an inconvenience and would go away with a simple diet change.
Then one morning I awoke to intense pain in my lower left side. I just thought it was the stomach flu, so I waited. The pain didn’t stop. My wife took me to the emergency room and I would call that hospital home for a week. No food, only ice chips a couple of times a day. I guess there was an infection.
It cleared up, but never really went away. After a couple of hospital stays, I was advised that if I wanted to live, I needed a colon resection, which is where they open your abdomen and yank out the damaged colon. So, they removed a foot of intestine and I was cured! Sweet!
The problem was that they discovered the damage to the intestine while they were removing my appendix. I know! I felt like telling them to just take whatever they could while they were in there; gall blatter, spleen, etc.
I then developed pseudo seizures, which cause me to pass out under certain conditions, like going to the store, a party, a busy restaurant, anywhere there are a lot of people. Great. I was a comedian! How can this be? Well, for good reasons, which I won’t go into, I ended up with PTSD, panic attacks, accute anxiety, social anxiety and agoraphobia. Terrific.
Next, I tore the rotator cuff in my right shoulder, but delayed going to a doctor until I could no longer lift my arm. So, they rebuilt my shoulder, which is now fine. They said the rotator cuff muscle was torn completely from the shoulder, the bicep tendon was torn in half, there was something else torn, there were bone spurs and arthritis. Of course. I do nothing half way.
Then, a couple of years ago, one of the twins ran away from home. I woke up in severe pain and said, “aw, nuts!” I went to see my doctor, who works on Saturday (is that even legal?) and told him I thought I had a Urinary tract infection. He agreed but, just in case, he wanted to send me to the hospital for a sonogram.
Next thing I know, they’re wheeling me into emergency surgery, trying to save it. Of course, they couldn’t. Now they call me lefty. When they were wheeling me into the OR, I heard Heather yell, “I’ll still love you, even if you’re half a man!” Hardy har har. But, it’s OK. I ended up having a ball.
And lastly, I thought it would be good to exercise. That would be bound to help, right? I started running slowly, doing one of those couch to 5K programs. I was very happy about it. I trained for 8 weeks and ran a 5K! Awesome! Then both of my knees hurt pretty bad. I was advised by a great friend and running coach to just stop and let my knees heal.
Naturally, only the right knee healed. So, here we go again. Surgery on the left knee. Torn meniscus. Beautiful. So, I’m recovered from that, then did it again. And again just walking. Now I have an artificial knee. Yesterday, I messed up my back while leaning over to put the dogs on their leash to go outside. To top it off, this morning, I have gout in my left foot.
It must be a sight to behold, watching me hobble around the house with a healing knee, severe back pain and gout. Ridiculous. Now, I know there are people who are certainly worse off than me, so I’m not complaining. As a comedian, its all very funny to me.
As I approach 61, I’m looking forward to my sixties. What else could go wrong? There’s really nothing more to remove, my heart, liver and kidney are all in good shape and I no longer work or drive? I suppose a plane could crash into my house, but what are the chances?
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