It’s so cold, I chipped a tooth on my soup.
Alaska is a beautiful place, if you don’t die there. I nearly did. I was in Wasilla for a gig. It was near the end of November, and they just had an incredible storm, and the phones were down in the rooms at the resort at which I stayed.
I talked to the owner the night before, and he said the payphone in the lobby worked. I used to call my kids every morning when I was on the road, and this day was no exception. So, I put on my fairly thin jacket, jeans and tennis shoes and headed to the lobby. It was locked. Of course it was. I have about as much luck as a turkey in November.
The guy said he would leave the lobby open for me. Sure. Ok, think! Most likely the last time I’ve ever done that. When I think, it’s always a disaster. I would hire a “thinker” for me, but I have my wife, and she does it for free.
I remembered passing a McDonald’s not far the night before. I didn’t have use of a car, and I didn’t “think” I needed a cab. I would just walk. What could possibly go wrong? At this point, I should tell you that I have the worst sense of direction of any human being on earth.
I walked the wrong way. It was pitch black, and in the middle of nowhere. Sure that I would see the inviting glow of the golden arches any minute, I moved on. I was getting very cold, but no worries, I’ll be warm in no time, talking to my kids.
I know what some of you are thinking. No cell phone? Nope. Didn’t Have one. On I tracked. I began to realize that I could no longer feel my feet and legs. I kept going. Soon, I could feel nothing. I became dillusional, something that has never left me, by the way.
Off in the distance, I saw a light, which was good,, because I was getting very sleepy. I kept waking toward this landmark. The Oasis. The Promised Land. When I finally arrived, and walked in, the owner said “Oh my God! Come here and sit down. He made me slowly sip a cup of warm water, then more, increasing the temperature each time.
Once I had come to my senses, I realized I had walked for miles to Wasilla. Then the nice man became Satan-like. He told me how stupid I was, and that most of the time, people don’t survive what I had done. Following a trip to the hospital, I called a cab, and went to the resort, where I eagerly told the owner of my near-death experience, all the while resisting the urge to throttle him.
I’m such an idiot. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m hungry, and there’s a McDonald’s not far away…
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