Help Me! I’m Freezing!!!

It’s so cold, I chipped a tooth on my soup.

It’s like a deep freeze here. It’s like Alaska, without the wildlife. Like Russia, without the vodka. Like my wife when she’s really ticked off at me, you know, like when she reads what I just wrote.

Alaska is a beautiful place, if you don’t die there. I nearly did. I was in Wasilla for a gig. It was near the end of November, and they just had an incredible storm, and the phones were down in the rooms at the resort at which I stayed.

I talked to the owner the night before, and he said the payphone in the lobby worked. I used to call my kids every morning when I was on the road, and this day was no exception. So, I put on my fairly thin jacket, jeans and tennis shoes and headed to the lobby. It was locked. Of course it was. I have about as much luck as a turkey in November.

The guy said he would leave the lobby open for me. Sure. Ok, think! Most likely the last time I’ve ever done that. When I think, it’s always a disaster. I would hire a “thinker” for me, but I have my wife, and she does it for free.

I remembered passing a McDonald’s not far the night before. I didn’t have use of a car, and I didn’t “think” I needed a cab. I would just walk. What could possibly go wrong? At this point, I should tell you that I have the worst sense of direction of any human being on earth.

I walked the wrong way. It was pitch black, and in the middle of nowhere. Sure that I would see the inviting glow of the golden arches any minute, I moved on. I was getting very cold, but no worries, I’ll be warm in no time, talking to my kids.

I know what some of you are thinking. No cell phone? Nope. Didn’t Have one. On I tracked. I began to realize that I could no longer feel my feet and legs. I kept going. Soon, I could feel nothing. I became dillusional, something that has never left me, by the way.

Off in the distance, I saw a light, which was good,, because I was getting very sleepy. I kept waking toward this landmark. The Oasis. The Promised Land. When I finally arrived, and walked in, the owner said “Oh my God! Come here and sit down. He made me slowly sip a cup of warm water, then more, increasing the temperature each time.

Once I had come to my senses, I realized I had walked for miles to Wasilla. Then the nice man became Satan-like. He told me how stupid I was, and that most of the time, people don’t survive what I had done. Following a trip to the hospital, I called a cab, and went to the resort, where I eagerly told the owner of my near-death experience, all the while resisting the urge to throttle him.

I’m such an idiot. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m hungry, and there’s a McDonald’s not far away…
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Twitter: @jmabbott

2 thoughts on “Help Me! I’m Freezing!!!

  1. You have my sympathies. I have had similar experiences in getting lost.
    To feel better about it, I suggest reading Jerome K Jerome’s ‘Three Men in a Boat’- the passages on getting lost in a maze & ‘Three Men on The Bummel’ (German word for a long walk)- passages on getting lost in the German countryside).

    Liked by 1 person

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