Happy Puppy Day!!!

In honor of National Puppy Day, I will lay around, howl at the most feint sound, eat part of the couch, chase cars and lay in wait to bite the mailman. Oh, and have dinner at grandma’s. Now that’s some dog food.

Who doesn’t love puppies? They’re just so cute! Even though they sleep an awful lot, it’s a good thing because otherwise we would fall over from sheer exhaustion! But luckily, they run and play, attack anything that moves, warms our hearts and our carpets.

And how about puppy breath? Isn’t that the best? I wonder why no one has invented puppy breath spray? I would use it, especially first thing in the morning. It sure would be better than my morning breath, that’s for sure.

We love our dogs, Maggie and Sammy. They are wonderful pets. When Heather gets home from work, Sammy goes out of her mind. Crying loud, running all over the place like Kelly Rippa on crack. When Heather sits down on the couch, Sammy demands all of her attention. All of it.

So Maggie, not 100% sure of what’s going on, starts doing the same thing to me, even though I’ve been here with them all day. Once Maggie starts with me, Sammy gets jealous and comes after me as if it’s the first time she’s seen me in a month. I’m not particularly fond of this behavior.

Heather seems to like it, though so I think I’m going to join in and see what happens. I can cry loud, jump on her lap and demand her attention, all while fending off the two dogs. I could certainly do that. I’m betting she would either call the mental health authorities or an attorney. Still, it would be funny and as a comedian, that’s all that really matters.

Speaking of comedians, why is there no comedian day? I know some of you are thinking that we do have one – April Fools Day. Because it’s National Puppy Day, bite me. We’re not fools. We just have this insatiable need to make people laugh, no matter what.

Imagine if we had a day where everyone behaved that way? How fun would that be? Many of us might wind up in jail while others might get fired, divorced, locked up in a looney bin, but if it’s all in good fun, why not?

I once spent a few days in the little town of Fredericksburg, Texas during Oktoberfest. No joke, the entire town, as far as I could tell, including the city officials, got totally wasted. The streets were baracaded so no one could drive. I’ve never seen anything like it.

Comedian Day would kind of be like that, without all of the alcohol. If I were going to plan one in my town, I would have an outdoor concert by Weird AL Yankovic, a continuous open mic all night long, one clown, 532 cans of silly string because who doesn’t like silly string? Whoopee cushions on every chair and a whole bunch of those things you wear on your palm that shocks everyone when you shake their hand.

I wonder what would happen if two people, each wearing one of those shocker gizmos shook hands? I’m pretty sure there would be a huge reaction in the space-time continuum. Very dangerous. Ok, so we would forego the buzzers, but I’m keeping the whoopee cushions because those are just funny.

In the meantime, give some special attention to your puppies today. They deserve it.

See you tomorrow.
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