The Newest Exercise Program!!

iIf you want real exercise and can’t afford the expensive programs, don’t worry. There’s a better way. Just find a very large bee hive and a stick and nail it like a pináta.

I know that wasps, bees, scorpions, spiders and fire ants are all God’s creatures but I don’t like being stung or bitten by them. Am I really supposed to love these creatures?

Once, when camping with my family, we had just completed our first fishing expedition of the day and it was time for lunch. I took a drink of my soda, unaware that a bee had crawled inside. I don’t know if you have ever been stung on the inside of your mouth by a bee, but I went maniacal. People in the campground thought I was rabid and sought immediate shelter.

A few years ago, I was pulling weeds, unaware there was a wasp nest hidden neatly and perfectly behind a group of weeds. I invented a brand new language which linguists are trying to decipher to this day.

When I was a kid, we used to go camping every year for a couple of weeks. My brothers and sister had to get all of the camping gear ready. My father kept a dark and dingy garage. When it was warm, it was the perfect breeding ground for spiders.

One of my assignments was to get the lantern ready. This meant taking it out of its original box in which it was kept. As I began to pull out the lantern, two black widow spiders came bolting out of the box toward my arms. For a fat kid, I must have broken some sort of land speed record, because I started running and didn’t stop until my body forced me to. I was Forrest Plump.

After that, and to this day, I can smell them. I know! It really sounds crazy. My mother took me to our doctor, fearful I had lost my mind. The doctor explained that if we experience tremendous fear like I did, the brain will create a sense to ensure you’re not going to be harmed by the creatures again.

While in Air Force basic training, I was standing at attention with the rest of my flight, only I was standing on a nest of army ants. Their bites are not only excruciating, but the aftermath is not pleasant either.

So, I know they are God’s creatures, just like me, but I’ll go Rambo on them, if need be. That will make some people angry, but I don’t care. I like me more than them.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a rattle snake outside, and I need to put on camo and face paint.

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6 thoughts on “The Newest Exercise Program!!

  1. This sounds very familiar- and sorry I shouldn’t laugh…..
    These days in our house we seemed to have reached an accord (a) Spiders: “OK you can hang out in our house, but keep those flies and sneaky little bugs we can’t see under control”- seems to work (b) Ants: “It’s quite simple you lot. You stay outdoors, and I don’t come around and spray your nest with chemicals or pour boiling hot water down your entrance holes”- I think they’ve got the message.

    Liked by 1 person

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