Like it or not, the Fourth is With You Today!!

I refuse to write about the forth. Everybody and their cousin is going to say, “May the forth be with you”.

What a gorgeous day out today! So many things to do outside. Biking, hiking, picnic in the park… I’m taking a nap.

“You’re Funny! You Should Be A Comedian!”


Yesterday, I woke up with horrible indigestion at 3 am. I mixed some baking soda with water, which is always my best remedy, and immediately started feeling better. Then the problem was, I was wide awake.


I didn’t take a nap, like a moron, and stayed up until ten. I was so tired by then, I had an awe inspiring sneeze fit, the likes of which mankind has never known. It was insane. I was attempting to clean up the kitchen during this craziness, and finally finished the job, but by then I was really spent. It took me exactly 4.5 seconds to fall asleep.


It reminded me of a time at a convention in the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas. This hotel is enormous, and I didn’t go outside for four days. When I finally got a break and went outside to take a walk, disaster struck. I think I’m allergic to sunlight, because it always makes me sneeze.


I immediately began to sneeze, and couldn’t stop. It wasn’t pretty. Again and again, hard sneezing, just like last night. When you sneeze that hard, for that long, the only thing you can think of is to do anything possible to stop. I couldn’t, and before long I was physically drained. Completely. People were avoiding me like Bernie Madof, after the news broke.


I had to crawl back into the hotel, with bystanders thinking I was too drunk to walk. Sneezing that hard for such a long period of time also alters one’s appearance, and not in a good way. So, I crawled in through the door and laid on the floor of the casino until I had recovered enough, with the help of a not very friendly security staff to get to my room. I was doing my best Foster Brooks drunk impression, but not intentionally.


So, yeah, last night was kind of like that, only without the security team. My wife said “Bless you” half a dozen times, then stopped, which begs the question, how many times need you say “Bless you” if someone is still sneezing?


Based on how the phrase began, I don’t think we should say it at all. During the outbreak of the plague, a major symptom was sneezing. So, when a priest heard someone sneeze, they would say, “May God bless you.” Since there is very little chance of contracting the plague today, it’s a mute point. If someone thought I might have the plague, I would prefer a 911 call to a “bless you” every time.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, that nap isn’t going to take itself.

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Twitter: @jmabbott

Email: jerry.mabbott@gmail.com

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