You’re Stalking Me!!

I’m too lazy to be a stalker. You’ll have to come here. Bring Starbucks.

If you’ve never had a stalker, you’ll learn a little about them. If you have had one, you’ll relate. I had one in high school. She knew practically every move I made. Ever. At first, I thought it was kind of funny, but it finally was just annoying. She finally stopped.

When I was doing radio, I was pretty well known because it was in Pocatello, Idaho. I know! Ok, I bought a comedy club there and it was dying. There just weren’t enough people to support it, something my friend, Keith Stubbs, who owns three clubs, pointed out to me.

I decided to get a job as a DJ, thinking that I could make some extra money and advertise the club at the same time. So, I applied at the station that I most listened to. It turned out that the station was 100% automated. Not to be deterred, I ended up with the first live show on that station.

I did crazy things on the show. I would have “celebrities” call in and talk to me, except I was impersonating the celebrity, so I was having conversations with myself. It was fun. I even conjured up a station owner, Mr. Wilson, who would call me from time to time and chew me out for something I had done.

In any event, most people bought the impersonations, and the show became very popular. With success, even in a small town, you’re going to attract some weirdos. Our landlord bragged about my wife and I being his tenants, so we would have people ring the doorbell, just to meet me. That, as you might imagine, was freaky.

One guy in particular, gave me the creeps. I never knew his name, but he would show up at every remote broadcast I did. Sometimes, on a Saturday, I might do three remotes in a day. This guy would show up at all three. He never said anything, just stared at me.

One day, I was doing a remote at a video store that was going to open very soon. I was in the empty store, by myself, when creepy showed up. Just the two of us. Very crazy. It was nearly dark in the building and he was just staring at me. I called for a couple of people to join me. They did, and the guy left. I’m not saying anything might have happened, it was creepy enough that I never did remote broadcasts alone.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I just saw Barbara Streisand and I need to get her autograph!

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