My Heart Is On Fire!!

If you suffer from heartburn, you’re not alone. Millions of married men do.

Get my latest book, The Twisted Musings of a Comedian II at Barnes and Noble!
I hate the old saying, “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.” That is so wrong and yet so true. It does no good to complain, that’s just the way it is.

Christmas is rough around our house. Why? I stink at gift giving. It seems like every gift I give her, I think is a gem but she thinks it’s cubic zirconia. She, on the other hand, never misses. Every gift is spot on.

I asked her how she does it. Bad move. I got a twenty minute lecture on listening. I’m just guessing at the time frame, because I started day dreaming about 30 seconds in.

It was like a scene directly out of “Everybody Loves Raymond”. I’ve learned one lesson, never buy her clothes. That’s always been a disaster, unless you’re a controlling jerk who tells his wife what to buy and wear.

I once bought her a sweater at Lane Bryant. I didn’t know it was a store for full figured ladies. On Christmas morning, she tried it on and disappeared. Couldn’t see her at all. I could HEAR her, just couldn’t see her, so I ran and hid in the garage.

I think every man needs a room for himself, with a lock on it. We can use headphones to drown the noise from just outside the door and relax until the heat blows over. When things have calmed down, you go downstairs and apologize. Then be prepared to get chewed out all over again.

A woman must get this venom out of her system by lecturing on how you messed up (whether you did or didn’t is irrelevant at this point, so the same rule applies.), and her instructions for ensuring the problem never happens again. You just say something like “I hear you, and I’m very sorry.” bite your tongue if you start feeling the need to argue further. Face it, you’re not going to win.

Never give an honest answer, unless it’s really true, when she asks you how she looks before she leaves the house. She always looks great. It’s a rhetorical question to begin with for two reasons. One, she’s already checked herself out very well in a mirror and two, she absolutely knows you have no fashion sense.

We’ve been married 18 years, and that’s just about when I bought my own clothes for the last time. I don’t know where the stuff in the closet came from, but I know I wouldn’t have bought it. And it actually matches. The other thing is you must wear them.

Many times, I’ll put something on and just before we leave she’ll say, “Where is that outfit I bought you for your birthday?” I usually have no idea what she’s talking about, or where it is. She finds it and I wear it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to find some Tums and Zantac.


4 thoughts on “My Heart Is On Fire!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s