Somebody Help Me!!

I’ve been married 18 years, but my wife nearly called off the wedding when I referred to our rehearsal dinner as the “Last Supper.” 


I’ve been married several times, and I’m convinced that brides have no sense of humor. Prior to my first wedding, I worked in a shoe store. We threw plastic shoe horns at each other. My fiancé warned me not to get a black eye.  


Wife number one…


The day before the wedding, we were having our usual shoe horn fight. I was hiding behind the counter area, when I looked up and wham! Straight in the eye. So, I showed up at the rehearsal dinner with a black eye. She failed to see the humor or irony of the situation. 


I loved the part in “Grumpy Old Men”, when Walter Mathow’s character put a dead fish in Jack Lemon and Ann Margaret’s limousine. That was funny. If someone really did that, they would probably be sued. 


Practical jokes when no one gets hurt are great, even if you’re on the receiving end. I had a boss once who loved to play practical jokes. He played two great ones on me, until he realized he was messing with the master of practical jokes. 


The first one was good, because he did it the very first time I traveled back east for a summit for my new job. Just before the meeting started, a little five year old girl came into the room and asked, “Where’s Jerry Mabbott?” Someone pointed in my direction, so the little girl came to me and said, “My mommy says you’re my Daddy.” 


The next one happened in Atlanta, Georgia. The entire training team was teaching all personnel for a large number of stores, so we were there for six weeks. I was single and unattached and started hanging out with the woman responsible for training the operations folks. 

We always had big graduation ceremonies at the end. After the certificates were handed out, one of the trainers began addressing the participants on the marriage of sales and operations. 
He then mentioned me and the woman I was seeing. 

Next thing I knew, I had a shotgun in my back, and they forced the two of us to the front of the room. Out came a real wedding cake, some cheap rings and a preacher, a colleague who wore a multi colored clown wig and performed the  “ceremony”. My boss spent about $150 of his own money on the joke. Game on.  

Tomorrow, I’ll articulate my retaliatory response. 


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