A cop was staking a bar for drunk drivers. The bar closed and the officer saw a guy stagger to his car, fumble with his keys and finally get the door open. Everyone else drove away. He started the car and began to drive away but the cop stopped him. He gave him a breathalyzer test which read 0.00. The officer asked how that could be. The guy said, “I’m the designated decoy”.
There’s nothing more dangerous than a drunk driver with the possible exception of a very angry woman. In both cases, someone’s life is on the line. I don’t want to make light of the fact that people drink and drive. I, along with countless others have lost someone close at the hands of a drunk driver.
I actually heard my father argue that he drove better when he was drunk. It was the most stupid thing I’ve ever heard coming out of a very intelligent man. I’m pretty sure he was just trying to justify the DUIs he had earned in his life.
At one point in my life I owned a bar. I only did it because I wanted to promote comedy shows there. I quickly learned that the police could kill your business if they waited outside, pulling people over who left your establishment, even if they were sober. In fact, I was very careful not to serve anyone who appeared to be impaired. I would call a cab for them and foot the bill. It was a small town, so it was never expensive.
One day, one of my competitors closed it’s doors for good. A police officer friend of mine told me that the owner used to harass the police for sitting outside and pulling over patrons. So they did it until the place had no more customers.
I got some tips from him on how to keep the force from doing the same thing to me. He said, “Just treat us well”. So I always let peace officers in for free on comedy nights. In fact I advertised it. It worked like a charm. Not only did a bunch of them come out for comedy night, they also frequented my place when they were off duty.
I let them eat and drink for half price, which meant that I almost always had off duty cops looking out for my place. I never had to break up a fight, throw out a belligerent drunk – ever. I learned a lot about a business I would never have the desire to own or frequent again. I just didn’t enjoy it.
With my father’s alcoholic tendencies, I could never shake the feeling that I was contributing to that illness. So, I began to only do business on comedy nights but I couldn’t make enough money so I closed the place down and got a morning show on a radio station. I made a lot more money and had a lot more fun.
Please don’t drink and drive. There are just too many lives on the line, including your own. If you think you drive better when you’ve had a few drinks, I think you’re a moron. Driving impaired for any reason is just a way to shout out to world, “I don’t care if I kill you or your children”. It’s also a way to do prison time. Let’s make the world a better place to live. If you’ve had too much to drink, call a cab or a sober friend. Thank you.
See you tomorrow.
My new Stand Up Comedy DVD is now available! Get yours today! Just message me or reply and we’ll work out the details. It’s family friendly and gluten free! Just $27, including domestic shipping and 20% of every sale goes directly to The Huntsman Cancer Foundation! So have some laughs and help cancer victims at the same time!
If you would like a copy, just use your PayPal account to firstname.lastname@example.org or send a check to me at 744 W 4400 S, Riverdale, UT 84405.
It’s a very funny and clean DVD and was shot during my very last headlining gig.
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