Drunken Idiots!!

I was performing in a bar one night. Before the show, this obnoxious drunk guy yelled, “All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots! And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scumbags”! A guy starts to walk towards the drunk. “You got a problem, buddy?” The guy said, “No. I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.”


There’s nothing worse than a drunken idiot. They have no “kill switch” when they think of something to say, no matter how inappropriate it may be. He’ll start fights that he’ll normally lose because really drunk guys are not that hard to beat up.


If you happen to be a drunk guy who can fight well and you’re reading this, I live in a small village in Romania, which happens to have wifi.

I’ve had my share of idiot drunkards to deal with, on and off of the stage. People who become completely insane when they’ve had a little too much to drink. When I was a kid, we were at a family party somewhere. I was sitting outside because I hated being in amongst them.


I heard some yelling, then louder yelling. One of my uncles came running outside, being chased by another of my uncles. Suddenly, the one that was chasing the other grabbed a very large, expensive speaker (Not the human kind) and threw it at my other uncle. He missed and the speaker broke apart and fell into the swimming pool.


One of the more funny (and gross) stories I heard about drunk guys, came from the man himself. He and his son were at a bar in Montana, standing and leaning against the bar. The son said “Something smells like crap”! The Dad said,” Yeah, that’d be me”. The son said, “Why don’t you go in bathroom and get cleaned up”? The Dad said, “I’m not done yet”.


The bottom line is that drunkards seem to lose all sense of reality. At a different family party, another drunk uncle became very belligerent. I would say obnoxious, but he didn’t need alcohol for that. Someone was thinking clearly enough to hide his car keys.


He started demanding that they give him his car keys. No one would do it, so he became louder and louder, then began to get physical. Instead of calling the police, they ended up giving him his keys. Now, if you were the host of the party, you can be held personally liable for any damage caused by someone who gets in an accident on the way home.


I think if I were the host, I would convince the idiot to go to a local bar and have another drink. Then he would be their problem, not mine. Just kidding. I would call the cops, restrain the guy and let them deal with the idiot. I think the moral of the story is if you’re going to have a party where alcohol will be served, don’t invite anyone who is likely to be an obnoxious drunk.

See you tomorrow.

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Twitter: @jmabbott
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