I Hate Diets!!

I hate diets. I’m on one now. Actually, I’m on two diets. You just can’t seem to eat enough on one.

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No one I’ve ever known likes to diet. Why? Because we have to deny ourselves the foods that we really love which caused the predicament that got us there. So, off we go. There are so many diet plans out there and NONE of them work! Even if we lose weight, we normally gain it back – and more.

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I’ve tried just about every diet plan out there, including Aydes. That’s right, a diet plan called Aydes. The plan was pretty simple. It consisted of a box of candies, very much like individual caramel squares. The instructions were to eat a candy, with a warm liquid, about 20 minutes before every meal. It was actually pretty popular until the Aides epidemic hit the news.

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Can you imagine being the CEO of that company when you first heard the news? WHAT??? Why THAT name?? You just don’t see Aydes on the shelves anymore. They quickly and quietly went out of business. They had to stop televising their commercial because it went like this: two women passed each other on a sidewalk, when they turned and recognized each other. One says, “Janet, is that you? You’ve lost so much weight! What’s your secret?” Janet says, “Aydes”.

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See what I mean? They were instantly done. Finished. Kaput. I’m not trying to be insensitive, it’s really the way it went down.

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I think one of the most important elements for any successful healthy eating system is paying close attention to the nutrition labels. They try to trick you by the serving sizes and different names for things like msg. I really don’t want to pay such that much attention. I want to get in and get out as quickly as possible. Besides, I get confused enough by the products themselves, without looking at the label.

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And not just food. The other day, I saw Marathon bathroom tissue. Marathon. For people with the runs, apparently. I also saw a benefit brand called Helping Hand. Really? For toilet paper? I don’t think so. Some things you just want to handle all by yourself.

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There are other products I have a difficult time understanding. Like, why don’t they have mouse flavored cat food? Maybe parakeet cat chow? Something? But no, they have weird flavors for cats, like beef flavor. Who decided that cats like beef? When was the last time you saw a pack of cats take down a cow?

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I’ve never seen a cat gang out in a cow pasture saying, “Ssshhhhh, you’ll spook the herd. Fuzzy, you go up the left side. Snowball, you go up the right side and rub yourself on her legs, and Whitey, you jump up on her neck and do that thing we do with our claws. Then we’ll pounce!” I’ve never seen that.

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I think everything in the store should be packaged in plain, perhaps blue and white labels where the truth is on each item, right on the front. Like Spam, for example. It would be labeled “Mystery Meat, fresh for eternity because we loaded it with so many preservatives that it will last forever.” It’s horrible for your health, but it will be there during the apocalypse. Maybe that would be their new slogan.

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I would probably eat SPAM if I knew what was in it. I think the name is an acronym for Squirrel, Possum And Mice. See? I told you I get confused.

See you tomorrow.

Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Web: http://jerrymabbott.com

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