You’re Gonna Cut WHAT???

Being a comedian, the last time I went in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????” Well played, Dr. Thomas, well played.

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Tomorrow morning, I’m going to have surgery on my left knee. I had the exact same surgery, by the same surgeon, on the same knee two years ago. How could this happen? It’s easier than you might think. Just fall down the stairs. It’s that simple.

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I don’t know if it’s because I broke a bone in the same knee when I was much younger, or what, but it just seems this knee never seems to heal.
The last time, I ran a simple 5K. That’s it. A little more than 3 miles. No biggie. I ran more than than that many times.

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After the 5K, both knees were sore. On the advice of a great trainer, I didn’t do much of anything for a few days. Just iced my knees. The right one healed just fine. The left one didn’t. I swelled up and felt really weird and sore when I walked.

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So, off to my doctor to find out what was wrong. He referred me to an orthopedic surgeon. Turns out I tore the meniscus in the knee. I learned that it’s a pretty common problem and lots of people have it surgically repaired.

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What is not so common, is to have the same surgery on the same knee two years later. The root cause is that I am a clutz. So much so that my wife and her coworkers all watch “Parks and Recreation” and have decided that the character, Jerry, who is an overweight clutz with a young hot wife is me, in real life. I can’t decide if it’s flattering or not.

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They’re spot on about me being clumsy. That cannot be denied. I’ve had way too many surgeries and have had to be treated for far too many stupid things.

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I had my tonsils out at 13, the only one of five children who ever had it done. I nearly broke my back in a fall when I was a teenager. I dropped a 150 pound box on my big toe on my last day at a job, when I was 18. I moved to Portland, Oregon and lived with my brother and his wife until I could get a job and get out on my own.

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In the meantime, there was a church camp that I went to, just for the day. There was a softball game and I am a baseball junkie. I had to play, but how could I do it without hobbling around the bases?

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I decided if I removed the shoe on my good foot, I would b able to run without looking like a moron. Things were going well. I scored a run and laid on the grass until it was time to take the field. Suddenly, a girl screamed and yelled, “Look at your foot”! I did, and saw a huge, deep gash on the heel of my good foot. I had inadvertently ran right over a broken Pepsi bottle after I scored and didn’t know it.

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So, off to the ER for stitches, only now I couldn’t walk at all. This kind of thing has continued to happen throughout my life. Crazy things. I donated a kidney to my nephew, then had problems with my remaining kidney, which finally healed up. Then, in 2007, I had two heart procedures done, after being hospitalized several times with diverticulitis, I had 12″ of intestine removed.

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I also had an appendectomy that same year. A few years later, I broke my ribs and hurt my back on a golf course, being crazy in golf carts. I had my shoulder rebuilt, started having seizures, which have never stopped and I think we’re back to today.

I haven’t decided what prank I’ll play on the surgeon tomorrow  but I’ll find a good one.

See you tomorrow.

Connect with me on:
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Web: jerrymabbott.com

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