I once dated a woman who’s kid flunked kindergarten. How do you flunk kindergarten? You take bad naps?
It turned out that the apple didn’t fall far from the female tree. She was so dumb, not even Google could translate her. She thought that Fleetwood Mac was a new burger at McDonalds. She put M&M’s in her ears and thought she was listening to Eminem.
Now before I get nasty comments, let me first tell you that she was not a nice person. I was experiencing some fame, at the time, had good connections and she just thought I could make her famous.
Example: I was scheduled to appear on a national television show one week. I was in the process of trying to get her to break up with me because I didn’t want her to feel awkward and stop doing comedy, since I was the only resource she had for getting on stage.
I had no plans to take her with me. In fact, I didn’t even tell her about the show. Someone else did. She acted like she was devastated and begged me to take her. I finally caved. When I picked her up, she was wearing a very low cut dress that left little to the imagination.
I thought that I was really close to having her break up with her when on the way, she told me that she had just finished reading “Men are From Mars and women are From Venus”. She said, “I know what you need. You just need to be in your cave right now”. Ahhhh, a huge setback!
I tried my best. I spent as little time with her as possible, introduced her to lots of guys, who might make a successful move on her. She was very pretty, just dumb as a bag of gravel. I also found out that she used to be a stripper, so she thought she could manipulate any man.
Those of you who know me well, know that I HATE to be manipulated. There are few things in life that I despise more. It insinuates that I am some sort of a fool.
One day, I was getting ready to teach my advanced comedy class and she was sitting on my lap. My business partner paid all of the bills and I had just moved into my great friend, Ron Ruhman’s condo to save money.
I told him not to pay my electric bill because my deposit would take care of it. She was stunned. She said, “Oh my God, you had to pay a deposit for your electricity? That means your credit is bad! Why”? I said, “Because I’ve been married too many times”.
She still seemed disgusted, so I said, “Sweetie, don’t worry. My credit rating will NEVER impact you. Ever”. She started crying and ran to the bathroom, saying, “You’re so mean”! Mind you, I was still trying to “flip” her to another guy. It took me six months, but I was finally able to get it done.
I was so happy when I got home, my roommate asked me why I was so happy. I told him and we had a party to celebrate. It was awesome.
One last thing. She was so dumb that when we were on the same show one night, she told everyone that her current boyfriend was out of town and he called her one night and they were intimate on the phone. The next day, she told her boyfriend how good it was and he said, What are you talking about? I didn’t call you last night”. The fact that it was incredibly stupid was trumped because she decided to tell all of us. Amazing.
See you tomorrow.
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