A senator died and met St. Peter, who said, “We seldom see a politician. So, you’ll spend a day hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.” In hell, he sees all of his friends playing golf. Then they dined on lobster and champagne. When he gets back, he said, “No need to see heaven, I want to spend eternity with my friends”. When he arrives, he sees them picking up trash as more trash falls from above. He asks the devil, “I don’t understand. Yesterday we had a great time. Now it’s full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?” The devil said, “Yesterday we were campaigning….Today you voted.”
With the presidential election not far off, all of the candidates are scrambling for position, while their campaign managers and spin doctors are digging up dirt on rival candidates and working on defense strategies for the things the other candidates dig up on them.
I think I would be an excellent president. The first thing I would try to accomplish would be a flat income tax. A one page bill with no loopholes. Next, appoint a committee of comedians to open for me at every speaking opportunity, including the State of the Union. How cool would that be? No matter how bad the economy might be, people would be smiling when I took the podium. Brilliant!
Next, I would stop giving money to nations where the funds never make it to the people. Forget sanctions, just cut them off. Especially to countries that hate us in the first place. I wouldn’t freeze their assets, I would seize them. That would help reduce the deficit.
I would stand up to any nation who threatened us. Like North Korea. I would bomb the crap out of their missiles. Sure, it would tick off China, but North Korea has been a thorn in their side, they might secretly thank us.
I would raise the minimum wage to the degree that people could live good lives and be able to support their families. I would put a salary cap on corporate officers, in order to pay for the increase in payroll cost percentage. There would be no increase in price to the consumer, because the cost has been covered.
I would eliminate Massachusetts from the Union for being pretentious. No other reason. They just tick me off. I would execute anyone caught participating in human trafficking. No trials. If they are caught red handed (strange phrase), they would immediately be executed publicly.
I would release, on parole, all prisoners in for misdemeanor crimes. I would create a three year deadline for death row inmates. If their appeal is rejected, they would be eliminated immediately. This would consistently open up room for people who commit violent crimes.
White collar criminals who hack accounts or embezzle funds would become minimum wage earners for the federal government. At least they know how to make money.
I would stop trade with China altogether. No more imports, only exports. No more measuring GNP, because it wouldn’t matter anymore.
I would increase teacher, police and military salaries. Teachers shape the future through their work. I can’t think of anything more important. Police officers put their lives on the line every day. I also would fire and prosecute bad cops, just like Commissioner Gordon. Our soldiers don’t make anywhere near what they should. Talk about putting your life on the line. Wow.
And finally, I would increase defense spending like crazy because I’m pretty sure I would start World War III.
I’m Jerry Mabbott, and I approved this blog.
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