I Can’t Remember!!

My cousin filed a missing persons report on his wife. The officer asked, “What is her height?” “Average, I guess.”
Officer: “Slim or heavy?” “Not slim, but not heavy.” Officer: “Hair color?” “Kind of blonde, I think.” Officer: “What was she wearing?” “Not sure.” Officer: “Was she driving?” “Yes. A Black Mercedes with a supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine,  an eight-speed automatic transmission. It has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door…”

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We somehow seem to remember the things that are most important to us. I can tell you the dates and approximate times my children were born. I can tell you the date I got my first job as an adult. I can tell you what days I got married (all of them), but I can’t tell you what my wife was wearing when she left for work today.

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It not that I don’t love my wife, because I do. I just don’t care which outfit she wore to work today. I know she’s going to look nice, but if she chose not to, for whatever reason, I’m down with that, too.

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It’s not the same way with women. After 17 years of marriage to Heather, I no longer put up a fight. If we’re going out somewhere, and it doesn’t matter where, she’ll take a look at me and tell me what to change, to tuck in my shirt, wear a different color belt, whatever. There’s always going to be something.

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I realize I have no fashion sense. I never have. When I was a kid, I liked the brightest, loudest colors around. Like bright yellow corduroy pants, any color shirt and brown, platform shoes. I see pictures of me then and I still think it was a pretty cool look.

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I did the same thing from 32 – 40 years old. Why? I was single. I wore what I wanted, when I wanted it and only my roommate told me that what I was wearing was atrocious. I would wear what I had on anyway. I found that women never criticized me for my choice in attire, because they knew that if we ever got together, she would change me.

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There was one really obnoxious sweatshirt that I used to wear on stage. It was white and had a picture of a big frog smoking a cigar. I got it from an audience member in Quebec, therefore the frog. I loved it. It disappeared shortly after I married Heather. Hmmmm…

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As a matter of fact, many of my favorite clothing mysteriously disappeared. When we got married, in addition to doing comedy, I had a morning radio show. It was radio, so I normally wore a t-shirt and jeans to work.

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That all changed after we married. She would say, “People know who you are and when they see you, you need to look your best. I knew the truth, however. She felt like it was a reflection of her. I don’t think I’ll ever understand that thinking, but then again, that is female logic, and I know I’ll never get that.

So why fight it? We’re going to lose the battle anyway. I just do what I’m told.

See you tomorrow.

Connect with me on:
Facebook: Jerry Mabbott
Twitter: @jmabbott
Web: jerrymabbott.com

Heather

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